 Good Monday morning to everyone! Hope you had a great holiday, whichever one you celebrate…including Festivus…and things are nearly back to normal for you.
For me, it’s less back to normal than it is merely status quo, I think. Cousin Fred made a surprise (?) appearance late Saturday night. I heard the roar of Brutus as he zoomed back into the Compound. He said he was worried about getting back here ahead of the blizzard that wasn’t. I don’t know about you, but the snowfall was maybe a few inches here at the Compound and most of that blew out to points south on the wind, I think. Still, it was a great excuse to sit inside and watch football yesterday. I needed Cleveland to win their game so Pittsburgh would be pushed just a little further up in the standings in the AFC wildcard. The Steelers still have a chance next week, but it’s one of those deals where certain teams have to lose and P’burgh has to win…blah, blah. It’s too much to keep track of frankly. Wake me when the playoffs start. Also, there was a great two-hour special on the AXS channel last night that was a benefit concert in Levon Helm’s name…Love for Levon, I think it was called. A good show with a lot of really great musicians, some of whom are themselves now deceased (it was filmed in 2012). (SPOILER ALERT!) Oh! And, Saturday night we went to see the new Star Wars movie. I didn’t realize it was supposed to be a danged cliffhanger or I might have waited. The Nephew’s boys seemed to enjoy it and I suppose that counts for a lot. At least they’ll still be alive when Disney decides to bankroll the next installment. Actually, I’m kind of glad to have Cousin Fred back. We can get started on fleshing out our idea for a TV reality show wherein naked reality people hunt the Bigfoot…fleshing out/naked people…get it? Nyuk, nyuk (I crack myself up). Hopefully, we’ll hear something positive from Chick Farris this week. Cousin Fred, in spite of Channel 9 Chief Weatherguesser David Payne’s predictions of impending doom for western Oklahoma (we were all going to die!), made a run into town yesterday. He wanted to buy an auxiliary heater for Hellkat One’s trailer. I thought about offering to let him sleep inside the house while this weather is so cold, but I knew the Wife would have none of it. Particularly, since Lassie, the barking goat, came back with him. I saw him when he returned from Walmart in Cosmic City with his new heater. He told me that the store was absolutely packed with people either hunting post-Christmas bargains or returning classic crap like the cordless combination nostril hair/ear hair/bottle opener device with the Trump’s image that their Aunt Agnes bought them. Hey, her heart was in the right place…I guess. He commented that as he was standing in one of two open checkout lanes, he was surprised by the number of people in the store wearing what appear to be pajamas. I’ve observed that myself. What is it with you people that you feel compelled to visit Walmart in pajamas? I genuinely want to understand that. I mean, what do I know? Maybe they’re actually wearing some fashion pants of some sort that simply look like pajamas? Just another sign of the decay of western civilization I suppose. Actually, all six of our faithful readers may remember that just last week I put forth the idea that Walmart is hell on earth, lumping it into a class that includes coin-op self-service laundromats. I’m so prophetic! And, speaking of civilization’s decay and Walmart…all kind of goes together in a big picture sort of way…there was a great story on Channel 4 over the weekend about a woman in Florida who availed herself of the use of one of those electric carts that Walmart has for customers who need help getting around the store. Of course, at the Cosmic City Walmart, the carts are seldom charged. I see more people kind of using them as a scooter, propelling themselves with their legs. But, I digress… Our 20-year-old Walmart customer, we’ll call her Princess Cranksalot, probably needed some help getting around the store since she shot herself up with meth before going out. So she clambers aboard one of the electric carts and begins riding through the store doing her food shopping. Problem was, she was eating the food as she shopped. Walmart personnel became suspicious when she ate sushi, cinnamon rolls, and a pack of mini-muffins. Good work Walmart personnel, good work. Keen observers that bunch. By the time police arrived, she was gnawing a rotisserie chicken from one hand and swigging a bottle of wine from the other. She told the cops that she was hungry, but didn’t want to take the food outside the store. Huh? Well, by all means, eat up Princess, eat up! She was booked on charges that included shoplifting and possession of drug paraphernalia. Sheesh, can’t a girl get a meal on wheels without the PoPo swooping in and ruining her dinner? What have we learned here? Well, for one thing, despite your understandable belief that no one in Walmart cares if you decide to dine a la cart (sic), they are observing you, while they agonize over when they’ll next get a break and can participate in electric cart races in the stockroom. If you’re going to ride around on an electric cart while gnawing on a rotisserie chicken, keep in mind that the Health Dept recommendation is that you either consume or refrigerate your chicken inside of the two hour window of removing it from its overheated display case in Walmart. If you’re going to try this in Oklahoma, keep in mind that you won’t be able to swig wine in Walmart since this state’s antiquated and altogether oppressive alcoholic beverage laws won’t allow the sale of wine anywhere but in overpriced state-regulated liquor stores. That is all… Comments are closed.
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