 Cousin Fred and I have recently learned that Chick Farris, the Hollywood television developer who holds our very lives in his hands is now trying to decide between our reality show concept wherein naked people search for the Bigfoot and another show, a game show I guess, where people at the start of the show are given a bag full of enema fluid.
Ah…western civilization marches…um, forward I guess. I have to admit the other concept would be kind of fun to watch. The camera trained on the person’s face. Somewhere around 10 minutes into the show they start sweating and making weird scrunched up faces. Now doesn’t that sound like great family entertainment? Hopefully, there is audience participation wherein the audience votes for who will blow out first. Cousin Fred doesn’t see the humor in it though. He was outside yesterday building his partially enclosed shelter around Helkat One’s trailer and muttering something about enema’s and shitty situations. I went outside to help hand boards up to him as he assembled the roof sub-structure. I tried to assure him that there was no way that network television or even a cable television would put the enema blowout game on air. But, on to more pressing issues… Friends, of all the stuff you might be tempted to kiss, what is the weirdest? Seriously, if you’re thinking of something and it doesn’t make you cringe, it doesn’t count. According to an article on the Huffington Post web site, a Chinese tourist visiting Thailand found out the hard way that it’s best to keep one’s lips to one’s self. Said Chinese tourist, a young woman, was visiting an animal park on the island of Phuket (pronounced phoo-ket, you perverts), a nice resort area…when it isn’t being overrun by tidal waves. There was an animal handler nearby who was handling a reticulated python and offered audience members the opportunity to kiss the friggin’ snake. Now, we all know, from various CCB postings that Mr. Robin has issues with crap that goes bump in the night like bats, rats, and SNAKES. It’s one reason Mr. Robin is always armed while on the compound…the other reason is the guy parked in the unmarked sedan about a half-mile down the road. But, I digress… So Stupid Girl kisses Friggin’ Snake and guess what? Friggin’ Snake didn’t want to be kissed. Friggin’ Snake grabs hold of Stupid Girl’s nose and won’t let go. Two animal handlers are tugging on Friggin’ Snake, probably dragging Stupid Girl around the park by the nose, but still the damned thing won’t let go. After a great deal of effort, they managed to pry the snake from her face. Finally, she’s free! Stupid Girl goes to the hospital where a number of stitches are applied to her nose to close the wounds…hopefully she got a tetanus shot too. The animal park paid her $4,000 US for her trouble and gave her a fake rubber snake souvenir. After all, nothing says we’re so sorry you were mauled by our snake like a fake rubber souvenir made in China. Now, see…something like that would make for great television. You could turn it into an updated version of Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom (YouTube it, people). I can envision it now. The scene would open on our Marlin Perkins look alike (the real MP is dead) cowering behind a boulder while his trusty look alike assistant Gorilla Jim (just checked, the real Jim Fowler is 83 now and probably not into wrestling reptiles) works to free the snake from some previously unwitting female tourist’s face. Fake Marlin’s voiceover would run while video shows him hiding behind the boulder, ready to jump out once danger has passed, “I’ll hide behind this rock while Jim tries to pull a snake from the face of a previously unwitting female tourist. Oh my, Jim has freed the previously unwitting female’s face from its serpentitious clamp and now has its serpentine body wrapped around Jim’s neck and chest. How will he escape?” Video shows Marlin constantly raising above the boulder to make quick checks on Jim who is turning increasingly blue from the lack of air. Back to Marlin voiceover, “Oh gosh, it looks as though Jim’s a goner! What to do? What to do?” Okay, that previous bit is only funny if you’ve ever seen Wild Kingdom and/or watched Johnny Carson make fun of them. If you have the time, it’s worth watching on YouTube. The show ran for 25 years with hundreds of episodes. Let’s see what we’ve learned here. 1. Enema games shows suck, no matter how fun it may sound at first. 2. Nobody should be kissing snakes except for Alice Cooper, a trained professional who has decades of experience doing weird shit with snakes. 3. Stay the Phuk out of Phuket. Bad stuff happens there. 4. Marlin Perkins was a bad boss, but a reality show king! Comments are closed.
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