Here I am in Azusa...where the hell are you?

Happy mid-week, hump day, whatever you want to call it. Friend Lamont, Cousin Fred, Lassie the barking goat, and I are about to leave California and head back to NWO.

We spent last night at the New Rochelle Motel in Azusa. We had to move the RV from in front of Chick Farris’s palatial estate after his neighbors created a mob scene out on the street…seriously, pitchforks and torches…these decadent and depraved Hollywood types have a real flare for the dramatic.

Finally, the WeHo po-po showed up when the mob began rocking the RV and threatening to barbecue Lassie. They cited us on some weird old ordinance against parking Conestoga wagons on the streets of West Hollywood. Wouldn’t you know it, the model name of our RV was Conestoga. Rat bastards!

But, all in all, it was good to be out of the RV for one night. By the way, in case you’re wondering, there’s nothing new about the New Rochelle (see above). The place is a dump, but it was the only place we could find that would allow a barking goat.

The New Rochelle is owned by a guy whose first name is Erasmo…insists everyone call him Don Erasmo. He claims to have descended from Aztec royals. Uh huh. And, now here he is in Azusa, proud proprietor of the New Rochelle Motel.

Don Erasmo wears a hunting knife on his belt that has a 10-inch blade. He told me it was in case he has any more problems with guests. He has two daughters who work in the place, both with names that I assume are Aztec.

The first, Zuma, which Don Erasmo told me is a feminine short form for Montezuma, the fifth Aztec king (and one of his ancestors), runs the continental breakfast for guests in the morning. I noticed she also worked the front desk during the morning hours.

The other daughter, Ohtli, which the Don told me is the Aztec word for road, well…I’m not sure what her function was other than sitting in the lobby watching the people walk through while chain vaping.

Neither daughter was particularly pretty or otherwise remarkable though that didn’t stop horndog Cousin Fred from making a run at them both.

He told Ohtli how sexy she looking when the vapor escaped from her lips as she sucked on the vaping pen. He finally got the message when she began exhaling the vapor into his face. According to Cousin Fred it was the essence of raspberry mustard. Hmmmmm.

His next target was Zuma to whom he pointed out that our production will be located in her Colorado namesake, the town of Montezuma. He offered her a role in our reality show “Naked and Untamed” and oddly she seemed interested. I figure she just wants out of Azusa.

In the end, she told Cousin Fred that he would have to ask Don Erasmo’s permission for her to travel to Colorado with us.

I guess the thought of asking someone who makes others refer to him with a formal title of respect and carries a big-ass hunting knife for permission to carry his daughter off to Colorado to appear nude on basic cable television was more than Cousin Fred wanted to deal with. He retreated to the room where Friend Lamont and I were planning the trip home.

Friend Lamont had earlier walked down to a local market and picked up a 12-pack of beer, along with a couple bottles of booze for the trip home.

Since we can’t drive back across New Mexico, just in case there are felony warrants on us, we’ve decided to take a more northerly route.

We’re leaving this morning and heading back up toward Barstow and continuing northeast to Vegas Baby!.

Cousin Fred is hoping to do some talent scouting there. Our ultimate destination for the night though is Coyote Springs, NV - north of Vegas Baby!. The place has a very old west feel to it. I’ll be able to get some photos and maybe do some writing for that moth-eaten daily periodical that forbids me from mentioning their name.

Actually, the editor hasn’t used any of my on-the-road features thus far.

Wait until he learns that I’m resigning my position so I can gear up for to start production on “Naked & Untamed” in late March. I know he was counting on me to cover the 4-day World Bingo and Pitch Tournament in Arnett then. Oh darn, my bad luck.

Cousin Fred and I are executive producers. I’ve not yet figured out exactly what that means, but I’m sure it will be great.

We decided to hire Friend Lamont on as our very special assistant and driver. He seemed pleased with that. Note to self – must let The Wife know that Friend Lamont will be living at The Compound.

So we’re off for Coyote Springs. More to follow!

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