Have Satanic Statue, Will Travel...

When we last left off (it was only yesterday…keep up people, keep up!) Cousin Fred was up to hatching some new scheme that portended a savage apocalyptic swarm by locusts, followed by a thousand-year famine.  We’re all going to die!  Okay, okay…it’s definitely not that bad.  But, he’s obviously up to something and now he’s trying to involve the nephew. I spent all day Monday keeping an eye on him.

On Monday, I found him on a laptop at the compound looking up the weight of 10,000 gallons of fresh water (something on the order of 83,000 pounds).  I then found he was searching out sources for large aquariums.  My CI’s (confidential informants for those of you who don’t sit up all night long watching “Law and Order” or “CSI: Miami” reruns) at the Woodward Elks tell me they have been receiving anonymous emails from the Gmail account [email protected]  By the way, I have CI’s in every organization in Woodward County…I know what y’all are up to.   

‘Cowboy Cody’ it seems was inquiring as to whether there were any entertainment slots still available during the upcoming Woodward Elks Rodeo.  Cowboy indicated he was prepared to offer professional and highly entertaining family fun.  He promised that set-up would take only minutes, but that it would involve rolling “a behemoth oilfield transport” into the arena.  Cowboy went on to say that if the ground inside the arena is too soft to support the large truck, he would have “minions” laying metal grates in the truck’s path as it makes it way to the center of the arena for the show.  Said minions would then remove the grates at the end of the entertainment segment and rake the soil to re-loosen it for rodeo events.

This had Cousin Fred written all over it.  Still no indication as to what sort of quality family entertainment he was planning.  I asked the CI if the Elks were seriously considering the proposal.  He indicated that the entertainment committee of the rodeo committee was, in fact, considering hearing more about Cowboy Cody’s proposal. 

But, then…I got up this morning to find Cousin Fred had departed like a thief in the night.  I told the wife to check for missing credit cards.  She informed me that she shred all the cards after I told her that Cousin Fred was looking into largish custom aquariums yesterday. 

Hearing that, I decided to settle down and enjoy a cup of coffee while reading the “Woodward News” (whose motto translated from the Latin is, “Your News, Our Way”).  That’s when I saw it.  There, on page 3 of the Tuesday, July 7, 2015 edition.  An AP story entitled, “Satanic Temple Sees Arkansas as Possible Monument Location”…egads!  I knew then that this was the source of Cousin Fred’s sudden disappearance.

The article said that after the Oklahoma Supreme Court ruled definitively that the presence of the Ten Commandments monument (or any other monument with religious connotations for that matter) on the grounds of the State Capitol was unconstitutional and therefore outlawed.  By the way, anyone who actually believes this is a ‘definitive’ ruling is even crazier than me (and I’m friggin’ nuts…just ask the daughter).

The basic thrust of the article was that now that the Oklahoma Supreme Court has made its ruling, that bunch from the Satanic Temple have decided to take their statue of Baphomet and drive it to Arkansas where Arkansans still have a Ten Commandments monument on the grounds of the statehouse.  Not sure how you move an 8.5 foot bronze statue from state to state, but it’s not my problem I guess.

I was guessing that Cousin Fred had gone back home to defend his Capitol grounds from receiving the statue.  Eh, actually it was nothing that noble. A phone call to check on him brought the news that he was anticipating a huge crowd turning out to protest and he saw an opportunity to unload his mini-Ten-Commandments-tablets-cloisonné lapel pins.  He bought 100,000 of the pins to sell during protests when the Satanic Temple tried to drop off Baphomet in OKC.  He was a little late getting to the Oklahoma State Capitol and is still in possession of 99,999 pins (the Chinese won’t take them back…go figure).        

He indicated that he will be back in Woodward before the weekend.  He told me to keep the nephew “on ice” (yeah, right…I’ll get right on that). 

The saga will continue…