 Happy Cinco de Mayo! If you’re a bar owner in North America, this is the one of (at least) 12 days throughout the year when you make your bank. Let’s see there’s:
January – New Year’s Eve – when people tend to drink heavily and tell themselves that things will be much better in the coming year and that they’re going to stop drinking and lose weight. Uh huh. February – Superbowl Sunday – why it’s in February now is still a mystery to me…but, catchers and pitchers report around mid-Feb, so drink up…because your team is going lose. They’re going to suck this year despite looking so good throughout the spring training games. March – St. Patrick’s Day – when even the most protestant and un-Irish of us drink in the name of a Catholic saint that apparently hated snakes even more than I do. April – Hmmmm…drink to fill the gap between St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo. Oh wait, Lent is over…go forth and drink in peace. May – Cinco de Mayo – celebrate Mexican Independence Day in ways the Mexicans don’t. June – Start of summer and nothing says summer like sitting in a dark bar paying ridiculous prices for drinks that you could make at home. July – Fourth of July – after all, nothing says fun fun fun like getting hammered in a bar and then stumbling out to buy up a big bag o’ fireworks because it’s what you did when you were a kid. That’s generally followed by a trip to the ER. August – We need a freaking holiday in August! Oh wait, I got it. If you’re a bar owner in a touristy town, people will stop in during their vacation when they hit the too-much-family limit (usually enhanced by the low-alcohol warning alarm going off). September – Hey, it’s the end of summer. College football is underway. The NFL gets rolling. And, another shi**y winter is coming! Drink! October – Columbus Day. Not many people know this, but Christopher Columbus was a solid drinker. You would be too if you had wandered aimlessly around a vast ocean for years with a bunch of smelly men onboard and the Queen of Spain putting a price on your head. November – Well, there’s Thanksgiving, the “I can’t believe all of these people are coming to stay with us tomorrow. How did we wind up with so many stinking relatives?” holiday. Drink heavily…it helps. December – The month of the “The pressure is on to find a gift for wife Peggy who has let you know that you’ll never be able to top what she got you!” Trust me, run for the bar…someone there knows just the thing for Peggy. So there you have it, the CCB official drinking list. We may have to put out a calendar with a reason to drink every day. We’ll get those out just in time for you to give as holiday gifts (hint: Peggy will love it). Actually, there really is a reason to drink every day if you think hard enough. You just have to find it…it’s not difficult. Bar owners across America (yes that [especially] includes Oklahoma) are depending on you! It’s 4:30AM and I’m already feeling the need for a drink. Cousin Fred finally revealed the reason for the ramp from the peak of the roof down to the ground. I was down for a nap late yesterday afternoon after being up all night with a sick mutt. I kept hearing a loud thump, followed by a rumbling sound, followed by Cousin Fred doing his best rebel yell. That went on for a while before I finally dragged my sorry, tired ass out of bed to see what was the matter. I found him rolling undrilled bowling balls down the ramp and then climbing down off the roof to mark where they landed with bright orange flags before carrying said undrilled ball back up on the roof to repeat the process. Hmmm. Turns out there’s a new trend in America. It’s called ball jumping. It seems that people in record numbers are no longer bowling, so bowling ball manufacturers are now selling their wares to people who compete in jumping the balls off a ramp. Ain’t America great? Eh, what the hell? If it keeps Cousin Fred entertained and out of my hair (what little there still is), I’m in. He told me that he’s planning to hold a ball jumping competition during the festival here in early August. Oh right, the festival. I made Cousin Fred promise that we’ll work on that today. The Wife is due back from yet another of her fabulous international vacations tomorrow and I want to get as much of the planning for this thing done before she gets here and attempts to stab a lit, filterless Pall Mall cigarette in my eye on general principles. It’s gonna be great. You’ll see. It’s gonna turn out way better than the Burning Bird Festival a couple of years ago. That is all! Comments are closed.
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