![]() Hey, everybody, it’s Thursday! Woot! The weekend is edging closer and just in time, don’t you think? I mean, the news lately is just too bizarre, too surreal really. It seems the world has plunged off the death spire slope when it’s still only qualified for the bunny slope. Cousin Fred will retreat into his subterranean abode known as Das Boot where he will plot the coming week’s nonsense to be hatched here at The Compound. Friend Lamont will hole up in his RV where he’ll binge watch all 39 episodes of “My Friend Flicka” plus the feature-length movie…thank you Amazon Prime. The Wife will plant herself atop the roof guzzling bottles of Old Crow, smoking filterless Pall-Malls and singing “My Philadelphia Home” as she scans the horizon with her newly purchased (thanks QVC) night vision scope searching for someone, anyone to take her from this madness. Me? I’ll be hunkered down in bed with the covers over my head waiting for the next shoe to drop. Been that kind of a month or more around here. Well, I’ll also read through the daily hate mail that I get in connection with this blog. Best to do that while one’s head is covered with one’s blanket. Of course, I will come out to watch the OU-Texas Big-XII Championship wearing my downward turned horns t-shirt. I’ll show that two-fingered-burnt-orange-mob-what-crawled-from-a-Texas (aka, Baja Oklahoma)-septic-tank a thing or two. Wienies. “But, it hurts our feelings when they do that.” More on that tomorrow. Today, we'll address that ever-growing number of you blog readers who stay up all night guzzling toxically caffeinated beverages and plotting out threads from this blog on a wall, cross-referencing those threads (with string) that intersect in a paranoid, conspiratorial sort of way. Whew! How’s for a run-on sentence? Mrs. Farnday’s seventh grade English class will spend the remainder of the year trying to diagram that mess, eh? As you longtime readers are only too aware, we here at CCB take a lot of pride in pointing out disturbing trends, particularly when there are crazy people involved. We’ve reported on the woman in Japan who stabbed her live-in boyfriend for pooping and stinking up the house. Our sage advice there was that said live-in go down to the corner gas station to make doody. We were only too happy to talk about the woman who stabbed her boyfriend (seeing a trend here?) for eating all the salsa in the house. We advised that guy to make certain that he left at least a half jar of salsa. Then there was the woman who beat her boyfriend to death with a can of succotash because, well, no one is exactly sure why. Maybe he loaned the only can opener in the house to that no-good shiftless friend of his (you know who you are). We couldn’t advise this poor fellow, because he was after all, dead. Now today, we bring you two separate cases of women who’ve had enough and aren’t going to take any more. Both live in Florida, where a lot of our insightful and pseudoscientific reporting of trends seems to come. Why is that, you ask? Good question fair reader, good question. I haven’t a clue, but I appreciate the Florida fodder. Contestant #1, whom for the purposes of this post we’ll call Gaseous Gurl (GG, for short) was standing in line at the local Dollar General store (generally a center for weirdness in any location) in Dania Beach, Florida. As she stood in line behind several people waiting while the cashier discussed the weather in climatological terms with each customer, she felt a pressure building in her intestines. “I’ll just let a little of the pressure go,” she likely told herself. “No one will notice. After all, my sh*t don’t stink.” Uh huh…we’ve all been there. But, guess what, GG, it does, it does stink. The man standing behind her in line complained. Loudly. Continuously. GG in her best effort to contain the damage turned and engaged said complainer in an argument. In the end, she pulled a knife and threatened to “gut” said complainer who fled the line leaving behind several bags of cheese puffs on the floor. Police arrested GG on a charge of aggravated assault without intent to kill. Contestant #2 (pictured above), whom we’ll call Drunk & Horney or D&H, got drunk on Thanksgiving and decided she needed some lovin’. She burst into the bedroom where her live-in boyfriend lay sleeping off his Banquet frozen turkey dinner (mmm mmm) and demanded sex. Said boyfriend refused at which point D&H went on the attack, beating boyfriend around the neck and face, scratching his eye and causing it to swell. The cops were called, and she was hauled off to jail on a misdemeanor domestic assault charge. She posted the $100 bond and is out now. The thing about D&H is that she was arrested 14 months before for the exact same thing with a different guy from whom she demanded sex when she was drunk and then beat him when he refused. Once again, as has been the case in our previous reports from the Sunshine State, the takeaway is STAY THE HELL OUT OF FLORIDA! That is all! Comments are closed.
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