Fighting Off Mountain Lions, Bears, and Wolves...You Suppose There's an App for That?

Tell me, have you ever considered just how connected we all are…digitally speaking?  I’m sure you have pondered this at some point.  Here at the compound we have at last count: two laptops; two…nope, three kindles; one aging desktop; three tablets; three smartphones; two smart DVD players; and, an Xbox…for two people. It’s a miracle we have any bandwidth left after running all of those devices simultaneously. 

Plus, the computers, tablets, and smartphones all need anti-virus/anti-spyware software to ensure they keep running.  Lest the Chinese, Russians, or FBI (pick your poison) attack my network and shut me down. 

Oh…I forgot…there’s the two-path alarm system here at the compound.  One path over a landline and one over IP (haha…am I paranoid, or what?).  Oh, oh, oh and how could I forget the surveillance cameras that broadcast to my smartphone over a static IP (okay…I really am paranoid), which I check constantly at night. 

Even if you aren’t anywhere near my level of paranoia (took me years to get here), I’m certain that at some point you’ve looked around at the increasing pile of “totally necessary” technology in your home and said, “Hmmmm…maybe living in a sod-covered dugout near Slapout wouldn’t be so bad.”  Okay, you’ve probably never even thought that. 

It’s really getting kind of ridiculous.  I have friends on the east coast who live in smarthomes.  They can open an app on their iPhone to lock/unlock doors, turn on sprinklers, and turn lights on and off. Their thermostat is in constant contact with someone (or something) over the internet.  I even have a friend whose refrigerator is connected to the internet 24/7. 

The refrigerator?  Seriously?  He claimed that it kept track of food and notified him via text if he needed to stop at the store on the way home.  Judas priest.  I think the internet-connected fridge is where I would draw the line.  With my luck, my refrigerator would be downloading appliance porn all night and I would run over on my data plan. 

Admittedly, there are times when I think…okay, I’ll disconnect the wireless router, shut everything down and enjoy an electronics-free existence.  But then I find a marathon of one of my favorite shows like, “Mountain Men” is on and I crank up the DVR (oops, also attached to the internet) to record what I miss after I fall asleep trying to watch.  See what I mean?  There’s no end to this madness!

Speaking of “Mountain Men”, have you ever watched it?  It follows the day-to-day lives of five (sometimes six or seven or eight) dudes who have set out to live a simpler life.  Uh huh. 

There was a time in my life (I was young and stupid) back in the ‘70’s when I thought it would be cool to go live in the mountains, hunt and fish for my food, build my own shelter…you know the drill.  I was a little too steeped in the movie “Jeremiah Johnson” and the weekly TV show “Grizzly Adams” (like I said, young and stupid). I even went out and bought a Hawken .50 Cal mountain rifle kit (never finished putting that together…didn’t want to shoot the rifle that Robin built) and a coonskin cap.  Wish I still had the coonskin cap…I could wear it now and feel like I still have hair (“Did you notice my ponytail?”). 

I realized after reading about people like Claude Dallas and others, that the modern world (okay, actually the late ‘70’s were still pretty primitive…no cell phones yet) didn’t have a lot of tolerance for guys who fancied themselves as mountain men.

But I digress…

If you’ve not watched “Mountain Men”…it can be kind of entertaining in small doses.  Here’s all you need to know to start watching and not feel you’ve missed a darned thing:

There’s a guy (his name is Eustace) who lives in the mountains of North Carolina.  He has it the toughest from what I’ve seen.  Nothing goes right for this poor slob.  He ekes out a living chopping wood for people, but then there’s always a lot of drama surrounding delivery of the wood because he doesn’t own a vehicle with a combustion engine.  So he has a few old draft horses that he hooks to a wagon and they run firewood up and down the mountain worrying about whether or not the wheels will stay on the axle or the road is passable. He has a friend named, Preston, who always seems to be around to help out with Eustace’s newest crisis. Now keep in mind that Friend Preston has a nice pickup…hmmm. Honestly, every time I see that guy’s newest plight, I want to send him money.  Please dude, go rent yourself a damned condo in Florida and get off the side of that mountain. 

Next up is one of two guys who live up in Montana.  This guy (Tom) lives in the Yaak Valley and is a former rodeo star who apparently sustained a lot of injuries during his career.  He has a tough time getting around, particularly in the deep snow of Montana.  Every week, he’s having to fight off wolves, bears, and/or mountain lions.  Yeesh, too much job.

The other guy in Montana (lives in the Ruby Valley) bears a striking resemblance to my friend, Mick.  They even have some of the same mannerisms.  This guy, he’s named Rich, hates mountain lions.  Seriously hates mountain lions.  He has a pack of beagles that he uses to chase the mountain lions presumably out of the Ruby Valley and into the Yaak Valley where they become Tom’s problem.

Then there’s the guy in Alaska named Marty.  He owns a plane that he flies up to the North Slope to trap and hunt to bring in enough food and money to keep his family going in whatever village they live in up there.  There’s always a lot of drama surrounding his flying in and out of whatever frigging valley he is “working” up there.  Interestingly, the camera crew always seems to make it out okay (probably on a luxuriously equipped helo). 

Oh, there’s more, but I’ll spare you the rest.  I remind myself that this is a “reality” show of sorts.  I’m sure these guys are being paid something for their appearance (Eustace…brother…take some of the money that give you for that danged show and move to Florida.  I’ll sleep better at night.).  

I’m also certain that some of the scenarios are staged:

“Okay, Tom, we’re coming into sweeps week.  We really need something spectacular this week.  Any chance you could wrestle a grizzly bear to the ground for us?”

“Huh?  Eh…”

“You know, take the bear down, force its jaw open with your hands and put your face into the bear’s mouth.  Whaddya think?”

After too many hours of watching that crap I come out of my stupor and declare to the wife that I could have been a mountain man.  At which point she will always remind me, “Dumbass (it’s her term of endearment for me), there’s no broadband in the mountains.  You wouldn’t last three nights.”

She’s probably right, of course…stupid technology.