Female Underwear Theft is on the Rise...CCB Does an In-Depth Investigation Because You're Too Lazy to Do So

Quick…don’t think about it.  Man or woman, I don’t care.  Off the top of your head, how many pairs of underwear do you own?  And why are they on top of your head (nyuk, nyuk)?  How many?  If you’re like me (my sympathies if you are), I can go an entire week with two extra days (if I’m being lazy about doing wash) before it becomes a full-blown commando emergency.  Okay, actually I can stretch it to three extra days if I wear the synthetic bikinis emblazoned with “I’ve been a naughty boy!” across the backside.  I know, I know, TMI.

So…the reason I ask such a personal question is to lead into today’s post.  According to the Huffington Post web site, there is a woman down in Georgia who for some reason decided to allegedly steal…hopefully you’re sitting down…131 pairs of underwear worth $749.95 from a Walmart.  HUH, you say?  Oh, that’s only the opening tidbit.  There’s more…oh yes, there’s more.

But before I get too far down the road here.  Can anyone explain to me why we refer to underwear as a pair?  Writing above, I wouldn’t have said, “…131 underwears from a…”  Right?  Underwear, undies, panties, drawers, BVDs, boxers, skivvies…whatever…they’re referred to as pairs even if they come in a single pack.  Perhaps it’s because you slip a pair of legs through them (unless of course you prefer to wear the panties on your head – we’ll cover that another time).  But you wouldn’t say, “I have five pairs of t-shirts.”  Ah…butt (pun intended), it’s singular if you’re referring to a thong.  Hmmm…see this is the kind of crap that keeps me awake at night.  If you know the answer please clue me in and I’ll share it in the next post.

But, I digress…back to the matter at hand (my woefully underpaid editor/agent tells me I need to focus more).

Our alleged purloiner of panties (we’ll call her Purl) allegedly went into an alleged Walmart in Kennesaw, GA where she was allegedly caught stuffing panties into her handbag and grocery bags.  She was arrested and charged with felony shoplifting.  She was released the next day on a $5,000 bond. 

And that’s when things got really weird. 

There’s no indication in the HuffPost as to what she told the police after she was arrested.  Maybe she confessed, maybe not.  As any decent defense attorney would tell you…”Shut up, they have to prove you did it!”  But, not Purl…she became a defense attorney’s worst case scenario.

Apparently, many of her Facebook “friends” got wind of her one-woman crime spree and began tagging her on the news stories of her alleged crime.  It got to the point where Purl was so overwhelmed by the attention, that she did a really dumb thing.  She lashed out at those well-meaning taggers.

On Facebook, Purl issued a lengthy Facebook statement in which she hinted (and I am paraphrasing here) that there may be more to the situation than what everyone heard in news reporting.  That there may be a reason that happened…blah, blah, blah.  O’ woe is me!  She went on to say that the next person who posted something or tagged her would get a really mean posting from her!  So there!  She’s keeping us in suspense as to her motive.  I’m sure it’s a good one.  Maybe she’ll tell the judge?  Note to self:  Keep an eye on the Cobb County courts for when this comes to the preliminary hearing.

After reading the article online, I considered my next move.  Far be it from me to post anything without a complete and thorough investigation of the other stuff that can fluff out this post a bit more.  So here we go…

The thing that occurred to me is that there was nothing in the article about the type, size, or even color of the underwear that were stolen.  That would have been very telling, I think.  In an effort to have more data at my fingertips, I drove to the Walmart in Woodward at 3AM to do some investigating. 

The first thing I noticed…have you ever been in a 24-hour Walmart at 3AM and seen firsthand the customer demographic shopping at that hour?  When I lived there in the late 90’s, I used to think Anacortes, WA at 3AM was a freak parade, but nothing that compares to Woodward’s Walmart at 3AM.

Okay, Robin, focus…focus.  So there I am in Walmart at 3AM in the Ladies Intimates section doing an inventory of women’s unmentionables.  To be really honest, I don’t think I found 131 pairs of undies that were the same size.  Oh, there were a variety of colors and fashions…especially loved the granny panties with the peach and plum designs.  Those were just so special.

I’m guessing then that Purl was just randomly grabbing panties of all sizes, colors, and types to stuff into her bags.

Although my investigation didn’t really turn up anything substantive, I did come away from Walmart with a stern warning (courtesy of Woodward PD called by Walmart management at 3:17AM) that unless I wanted to be arrested for trespassing (hey, the store is open 24 hours a day) or lewdness/lasciviousness prior to dawn (hey, I was just counting the panties) I should depart immediately and not return for a period of no less than 72 hours.  Sheesh…try to do a little investigating in Woodward, OK and you see what it gets you?

Upon a little further “investigating” I discovered a story from an Atlanta TV news site that also in Georgia back in February, a woman (different woman from I could see in the store surveillance pics) stole 785 “pairs of underwear” worth $10,500 from a Victoria’s Secret store.  Judas priest…what is it with Georgia women and underwear for crying out loud?

I mean, I get it (okay, not really).  Women love underwear in ways men will never understand.  Men will wear their skivvies until the damned things become loincloths or their wives/girlfriends/partners/whatever get tired of seeing the crack of their butt through the giant hole in back and buy them more…whichever comes first. 

But, 785?  That’s gotta be some kind of record.  Who knows, maybe there’s some sort of black market for women’s panties.  “…Hey, you.  Yeah you.  Need some silky panties?  Got some right here.  Bargain prices.  Wait…I have to ask.  You aren’t a cop are you?”

CCB BREAKING NEWS…our CCB Math Expert, who actually teaches math at Woodward Middle School and interns for CCB during the summer break, has just finished some agonizingly in-depth analysis.  Here’s what he found:

131 “units” (his analytical technical name for panties) at $749.95 is an average price of $5.72 per unit.  Sheesh…were they disposable panties?

785 units at $10,500 is an average of $13.38 per unit.  Still not too bad considering that it was Victoria’s Secret.  Maybe Purl2 was raiding the bargain bins.

So…if you’re so inclined as to steal largish amounts of women’s underwears (sic) for whatever purpose, it seems that Victoria’s Secret is the better value in terms of resale or whatever the heck you’re going to do with 100+ pairs.  By the way, I’m still under my 72-hour-no-return-to-Walmart order.  If you’re out by the Walmart in Woodward could you please pick up some dog food for me?  Thanks…the mutts are looking a might peeked. 

Have a great weekend everyone!