ET phone home...no wait, it's a Gubment sting! Deflated hemorrhoid pillows...a new way to get your mother in law out of your house...the Feds are slowly losing their grip...must be Friday!

Do you know why this stupid blog is as successful as it is (thus far – if I do say so myself)? It’s because at the root of it all, the American people, by and large, are a sarcastic and snarky bunch. We really are. I’m just another cog in the wheel of giving you a daily dose of sarcasm and snark.

And, at the bottom of the source of all that vitriolic cynicism is a horde of idiots, who provide us with an unending stream of things for which snark and sarcasm are the healthiest outlets.

Otherwise, we’d be repeating the French Revolution (1789-1799). We’d wind up setting around a table eating crusty bread and wonderful cheese while washing it down with red wine. We’d have intellectual discussions about the propensity of latter-19th century French novelists to use footnotes in their fiction. Now, isn’t that an idyllic scenario?

Oh, hell no! Give me the red wine (copious amounts, please) and the bread and cheese plate along with heavy doses of snark, sarcasm, and a fake news feed. I’m good!

Long live Social Media, I say!

Okay, so back in January The Trump signed one of his now infamous executive orders (EO). This particular EO was directed at what he referred to as criminal aliens. Of course, at the time, little asexual bipeds from the planet Playtex were the last thing on his mind.

ICE – the immigration and customs enforcement thugs – in keeping with The Trump’s EO – earlier this week opened a brand new office: the Victims of Immigration Crime Engagement office. They refer to it as VOICE – aren’t those ICE thugs clever?

The best part of VOICE is that it includes a hotline for victims of criminal aliens (HFVOCA – okay, maybe they aren’t so clever). Once the word got out about the hotline, the news spread across social media, even overtaking The Trump’s tweets about a sinister plot hatched in the White House to deflate his hemorrhoid pillows…thanks, Obama!

It wasn’t long before the criminal alien hotline (800-rat-outyourannoyingneighbor) was overrun with calls from people reporting having been abducted by aliens or learning that their mother-in-law is actually an alien facesucker from the planet Xytphhhtis and could the U.S.G. (that’s Gubment to you and me) come take her away?

See, that’s what I love about America! We take nothing too seriously. We find humor in just about anything and dearly love to subvert the Gubment in ways they (the Gubment) find less than amusing.

Over the past 24 hours or so the calls have stepped up and are becoming increasingly descriptive. By hour 23, calls were coming in about abductions aboard criminal alien aircraft (alert the FBI, that’s kidnapping – where the hell is Efrem Zimbalist Jr. when you need him?) and said abductees being anally probed.

“Okay, we should probably alert the FDA on this one…are colonoscopy procedures performed by criminal aliens moving U.S. citizens outside the territorial airspace of the United States authorized? Can we PLEASE get a determination on this?”  

Call in the lawyers dammit!

I admit I’ve called the hotline myself and using my best Elvis voice informed them that I was on planet Ulyttestantzwkc along with Richard Nixon and we wanted “the boys at ICE” to know that there are no criminal aliens on Ulyttestantzwkc, so “leave us the f$#k alone…uh huh huh…thank you, thank you very much.”

The number, if you’d like to call yourself is 855-48-VOICE – just don’t tell ‘em I sent you.

That is all!
 

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