Criminal Enterprise 101...Welcome to Class!

Happy Hump-Day everybody!  And, isn’t it a grand day to be reading mindless crap poured from the head of a guy who increasingly resembles a deranged Santa Claus?  Wait, that’s actually the next blog over.  We’re nothing but serious crap here at CCB!

It’s an exciting time here at the compound.  Preparations have long been underway in packaging Buffalo Chips, the new product Cousin Fred and I came up with.  For those of you who fail to read CCB on a daily basis (why would you do that to me?), Buffalo Chips are made from thinly sliced hedge apples (nothing says fall like an airborne fresh hedge apple clobbering you upside the head), smothered in Aunt Daisy’s secret caramel recipe (your dentist loves the stuff and will finally send you a Christmas card), and sprinkled with jalapeno seasoning (feel the burn, relish the burn, burn baby burn). 

Glad you aren't me?  I don’t blame you.

There was a lot of arguing about the packaging.  Cousin Fred wanted to include the purported anecdotal, folkloric, legendary, bullsh*t health properties of hedge apples.  But the FDA shut that nonsense down with a cease and desist order hand-delivered here to the compound by Federal marshals. Something about snake oil sales (our next enterprise).  Cousin Fred pointed out that without any health benefits being listed on the package, we’re left with a spicy, sticky sweet, horribly bitter snack. 

I see his point…so we tested the waters at FDA and said we would only print what we can prove.  So the packaging now includes the promise of accelerated tooth decay (brush your damn teeth, people), painless tooth extraction (Daisy’s caramel doesn’t let go and the jalapeno seasoning will deaden your nerve endings), oh, and we slipped in that it will cure male pattern baldness and kill pubic lice.  The dudes at FDA gave us a temporary waiver (before they slap an injunction down on the table next week) while they consider the evidence of those claims.  By then, Cousin Fred and I will be distilling snake oil.

Cousin Fred was able to get us exhibit space at this weekend’s Fall-A-Days festival at the Fairgrounds. We’ll be passing out free samples of Buffalo Chips to those unfortunate few passing by our booth (“Hey you!  Yeah, you.  Try these…don’t run away from me!  You get back here!”) as well as selling large bags of the stuff (there’s a lot to get rid of).

We’ll have “D List” celebrities stopping by, like the guy at the Scoreboard every Friday and Saturday night who gets really wasted and begins loudly proclaiming the finer points of Calvinist Doctrine before passing out on the floor.  Let’s see, oh there’s the woman who is always looking for a ride to Hollywood so she can finally get her big break (hint, hide your car keys). Of course, she’s also the one who keeps getting herself arrested for cyber stalking George Clooney.

It’s gonna be great!

Unfortunately, I’ll be a little late getting there on Saturday, but Cousin Fred can handle the booth.  I’ve been asked by the folks at the local vo-tech to teach a course in Criminal Enterprise, since criminal behavior (or, misbehavior depending upon your perspective) appears on the rise (despite assurances from local law that all is well…”Be calm and go about your business, citizens”).  The vo-tech, always looking for a way to capitalize on the latest trends, asked me to put together a course of instruction.   
I plan to kick off the course with examples of what not to do if you’re embarking on a life of crime.  Criminals after all, aren’t rocket scientists or brain surgeons…there’s too dang many of those anyway!

I came across several recent examples of dumbass criminals being, well…dumbasses.  I’ll share a sneak-peek preview with you now as a teaser.  Frankly, I hear from the vo-tech that no one is signing up.  Apparently, those considering crime as a career are afraid it’s a trap.

Click here for the theme from “Dragnet” before proceeding (sets the mood).

Take for example, Mr. Rodney Hendrix, petty thief.  According to our pals at the Huffington Post, Mr. Hendrix allegedly broke into an alleged pre-school and church in August 2014.  He allegedly wound up walking away with two guitars and a s**tload (hahaha, you’ll see why in a second) of electronics gear valued at more than $4,000. 

Only problem was, during the heist, Brother Hendrix, ummmmm soiled himself and left his poopy drawers in a bathroom trash can.   The local (Denver CO) police took possession of said poopy drawers and began a 13.5 month process of DNA testing. 

Okay, now you’re thinking that in 13.5 months you could be long gone from Denver, right?  That’s because you’re probably eligible to be a rocket scientist or brain surgeon.  But, not the Rodster, nope…not him. 

Turns out that in the time it took to get the DNA results back (why is it that on “NCIS” they can do it in less than five minutes?), Sir Rodney had been locked up on unrelated theft and drug charges.  So the cops had only to go to his cell and serve another arrest warrant on him for the church break-in.

Needless to say, Not-Jimi Hendrix finds himself in a real shi**y situation here. Nyuk nyuk!

So, budding crime-dawgs, what have we learned from this in-depth case study?

Lesson #1:  LEAVE NOTHING BEHIND THAT LAW ENFORCEMENT CAN USE TO TEST DNA.  Bury your infant’s/toddler’s/weird fetishist husband’s diapers where the po-po can’t find the poo-poo.  There is NO privacy left in this world!

One, more time…the theme from “Dragnet”

That concludes our lesson for today!  Until next time, be safe you thievin’ bastards!