Cousin Fred would fit in nicely in Tulsa!

Greetings faithful blog readers. We’re in Barstow, CA this morning on our way to a meeting with Chick Farris in Hollywood this afternoon where we’ll – theoretically – sign our deal and start work on our new reality show, “Naked and Untamed” in which naked reality stars (reality shows need stars – though not necessarily naked stars) go in search of The Bigfoot.

The trip out here was kind of fun. I did daily dispatches back to the daily local paper that forbids me to mention their name – they soooo do not wish to be associated with me.

I guess that makes me an embedded journalist…swell, I’m embedded in an RV with my idiot Cousin Fred, Lassie the barking goat, and Friend Lamont, our altogether cheerful and hyper-hygienic driver. I’m certain Fox News will be calling any minute now and asking me to cover something for them.

The idea behind bringing the RV was so that Cousin Fred and I could map out a full season of episodes and think through some of the mechanics so that we didn’t appear to be total bozos in Hollywood. Guess what? That plan rapidly fell apart as our “business” trip rapidly descended into something resembling more a fraternity roadtrip. No, actually nothing that cool. Just a bunch of sophomoric idiots without adult supervision is probably the best way to phrase it.

For instance, we won’t be able to go through New Mexico on the way back. I’m fairly certain that law enforcement there has our license plate posted and possibly warrants for us following Cousin Fred’s stunt.

Allow me to elaborate – so we pull into a convenience store somewhere on the west side of Albuquerque. There really wasn’t any place to park the RV so Friend Lamont parked over on the side of the building.

Prompting the stop was Cousin Fred’s sudden craving for something sweet. He wanted a bag of Gummy Bears. The convenience store looked to be easy in/easy out so we stopped.

It was really cold so Cousin Fred pulled on a dark jacket and a stocking cap atop his head…well, at least it looked like a stocking cap. It was actually a ski mask.

There was a lot of traffic in and out of that store. People standing in front of the store, people getting out of cars, people in and out of the place…very popular convenience store.

Next thing we see is Cousin Fred coming around the corner from the front and screaming, “Start the RV, start the RV!” He was wearing the ski mask pulled fully down over his face now.

Friend Lamont not knowing whether it was anything serious started the RV and began to back out before Cousin Fred was even back inside.

I sat looking out the window, there were some people who had just gotten out of their car to go inside…they got back into their car to leave. There was an elderly man who I thought was grabbing for his heart, but it turns out he was reaching for his iPhone in the breast pocket of his jacket…he began taking pictures or videoing us, couldn’t tell which.  

Other people in front of the store were using their phones to photograph and/or video us.

Even someone that I presume was the store clerk came out shaking his fist at us.

Lassie the barking goat is sitting on the passenger seat up front barking furiously and looking over at Friend Lamont like, “Come on, get us out of here!”

Now keep in mind, we’re in a huge RV backing out of our spot on the side of the store and trying to get turned in the correct direction to get out of there. Friend Lamont had to back up at least twice until we were able to clear the cars parked around us and “get away”.

I’m looking at Cousin Fred who starts laughing hysterically. He produced the receipt for the bag full of Gummy Bears that he bought. Said he pulled the ski mask over his face as he started for the door holding the full bag as though it were cash.

When I asked what possessed him to do that, he informed me that our road trip was a bit too staid for his taste and he wanted to “rev” things up a bit.

Shit…I guess his idea of revving is to give me heart attack. Soon we were all laughing about it and picking Gummy Bears out of our molars as he headed off into the night. I kept one eye out the back though expecting the law to roll up on us. I’ve heard it’s a crime to be sophomorically funny in New Mexico.

Speaking of weird things that can get you arrested. I came across something on the KFOR-TV News site over the weekend that would definitely qualify. The mug shot above is courtesy of the Tulsa Co. Jail.

Seems our perp, whom we’ll call Sylvester, no reason just seems to fit, got a little carried away and was pointing PLASTIC TOY guns at motorists passing through a busy intersection in Tulsa. Of course, people freaked out (and who wouldn’t in this day and age) and started dialing 911. Sly (as he’s known to his friends here at CCB) is lucky it wasn’t Western Oklahoma, where real gun toters outnumber fake gun toters by a margin of 21,221:1. He would likely have been shot dead for doing the same thing, without fear of prosecution on the shooter’s part.

So the cops show up and Sly gives up his arsenal which included a fake M-16 rifle, a fake handgun, and even a fake rubber knife. Really? A fake knife?

He’s in jail now on an assault with a deadly weapon charges…huh? What deadly weapon? It was all fake stuff.

And, if that isn’t puzzling enough, look closely at Sly’s mug shot. We here at CCB tried to count the tatts on his face, but keep losing count. Something tells me it is something on the order of 21,221. If you have the time and inclination to count them all, please let me know.

Maybe this was a guy who had a bad day at the tattoo parlor and decided to end it all with a suicide by cop. Who knows?

This is such a weird state to live in.

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