 Good morning everybody! Welcome to the First Day of Fall edition of CCB. According to the Hands (thank you again, DISH), it officially arrives at 9:21AM. In keeping with a long-established tradition at KFOR, the Hands and perennial weather-hottie Emily Sutton will perform the semi-annual equinox dance around the ol’ weather pole starting at 9:21 and dance for no more than 3 minutes. Stay tuned for that action!
Friends, if there’s something of a desperate tone in my writing this morning, it’s because…well, I’m desperate. I’m beginning to learn firsthand the old adage that when it rains it pours until the cows come home to roost with them chickens. Why are you desperate Mr. Robin, you ask? I’ll tell you why. There’s still no sign of Cousin Fred anywhere. We have a tentative self-imposed shooting schedule for our reality show, “Bigfoot: Naked and Untamed” that starts in mid-October. There are logistical, technical, and talent issues to be worked out before we ever press record on the camera. In the meantime, I’ve got two major publications blowing up my phone to go back out on the campaign trail starting with the first real presidential debate on Monday, which means I have to get to Hempstead, New York by Sunday. The two major publications are (as you die-hard fans of CCB – all two of you, it’s still early - have likely already figured out), MAD Magazine and Southern Living. Both keep calling and raising their offers for me to drop everything and chase the Trump and the Queen of the Unindicted around the country until…huh, well it would be November 8th. That means, I’m only pushing back my production schedule by three weeks, really. Of course, the only way I can get all that done is by having Cousin Fred on hand to lay a lot of the groundwork for me. And, maybe I’m expecting too much from Cousin Fred. After all, he’s still in a half-body cast with one of his arms cocked up at a weird angle. Still, that leaves him with one good hand to dial a phone. But, then again, I don’t know where he is. I received a call the other night that claimed the caller saw Cousin Fred on television at a NY Mets game. They said that the camera closed in on “the typical NYC freak” at which the game announcers chuckled and the camera moved on. Guess that means Cousin Fred is still in the purple nylon shorts with no underwear and contrasting lime green Crocs. The caller told me that he was wearing a sleeve on his left arm that kind of matched the color of the plaster. In the hand on the cocked-up arm, he was holding a NY Mets pennant on a stick. After hearing all of this, I have reached a decision with regard to covering the presidential election and getting production underway on the reality show. Although MAD Magazine was offering a lot more dough working for them, I’ve decided to go with Southern Living. Sure the money is less, but they never failed to put on a good party. The added bonus, of course, is that I’ll once again have the services of the virginal vegan Brooklyn Hodensack. I’ll insist on it. She’s not only responsive to our needs (“More alcohol, Ms. Hodensack! More alcohol!”), but I’ll put her on the case of finding Cousin Fred in NYC. Of course, the downside to that is having to listen to her start her rants when I fall behind in producing copy for the magazine (“Are you writing? You should be writing until dawn! You can sleep when you’re dead!”), but it’s a fair exchange I think. And, speaking of fair exchanges…they’re baaaaack! You devoted fans of CCB (all three of you – another just got up) may recall our examination and careful and well considered analysis of that bunch of nomadic pagans who call themselves The Satanic Temple. They tried their best to unload their giant-sized statue of Baphomet, the nearly naked man with a goat’s head seated on a throne, on the grounds of the Oklahoma State Capitol when our keenly laser-focused state legislature (morons) were threatening to put up a larger than life ten commandments tablet on the lawn there. The legislature blinked and backed down (pussies). The Satanic Temple soon took their statue and went up into Minnesota or some damn place hoping to drop it off. Well, by golly, they’ve found a new home. Salem, Mass! The organization is in the process of buying an old house there that they will turn into their world headquarters…just down the street from where alleged witches met their ends. And, here’s the thing…the town is welcoming them! Guess the townsfolk, who have traded on their alleged witch persecution for years, figure it’s just one more thing to trade on. It would be fun to attend the chamber of commerce lunches there! “Members, members, your attention please. Our lunch today of goats head stew and Sangria is being provided by our newest member organization, The Satanic Temple. Following lunch, we’ll have a brief presentation by the Uber Grand Wizard of the Temple, Dr. B. L. Zebub, who will channel Baphomet himself for us. Won’t that be exciting?” I love America…seriously! Comments are closed.
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