Cousin Fred come home...we have a deal! CCB reveals a sign of the coming apocalypse. Prepare now, people!

It’s Tuesday, people. Get up, get up. Get out there. Go to Walmart today…cash in whatever life savings you have…take it with you to the store.

Begin stockpiling peanut butter, bottled water, and crackers…lots of crackers. What? You’re allergic to peanut butter? Okay, then buy cases of Vegemite…Kraft is now making it in the U.S. Has the same nutritive value of peanut btter, the consistency of peanut butter, but tastes like crap. It’s all about surviving from this point on. Foodies be damned!

You can always shake some Turmeric across the Vegemite to help with the taste and apparently cure whatever ails ye. More on that later. But, first…

Today begins CCB revealing signs of the coming apocalypse. Oh, it’s coming, people. But, more on that in a moment. First…

I wish to address Cousin Fred here because I have reason to believe he is viewing these posts while driving pell-mell across the U.S. in pursuit of the Trump’s entourage. Dear Cousin Fred…

WE GOT A DEAL! GET YOUR PLASTER-ENCASED SELF BACK HERE TO THE COMPOUND!

I was called yesterday by none other than Chick Farris of Mountebank Studios in Hollywood. We have a deal with the Vice Channel to air, starting in January, the eight episodes of our TV reality show, “Bigfoot: Naked and Untamed” that we completed last spring.

AND, they’re ordering another twenty episodes!

We got to get ourselves together here. We need to bring together the film and sound crew we used before (they worked for cheap). There’s also trying to get our reality “actors” back together. And, then, there’s the big question…do we go back to Montezuma, Colorado to film? It is, after all, America’s Meanest Town.

Maybe it’s time we graduate to a higher level…the Pacific Northwest, where there seem to be Bigfoot sightings on a daily basis. Decisions, decisions…in the meantime, Cousin Fred, please come home.

Of course, the Wife wants nothing to do with any of this. She told me that the lunacy associated with production of the show combined with my signs of the coming apocalypse (more on that later) is weighing heavily on her. She says she’ll ride it out in a fabulous location on another of her fabulous vacations.

Chick informs me that he had a heck of time trying to get the show sold to the likes of the History Channel and the Discovery Channel, oh and, CBS. It seems they’ve all reached their limit with reality shows involving nakedity and were looking for something new.

I pointed out that the naked participants is what makes this Bigfoot reality show so special. I mean there’s the one with the hillbillies running through hillbilly country in the middle of the night armed to the teeth, determined to shoot a Bigfoot. Truth be told the only thing that ever seems to get shot is a lot of video footage of hillbillies tramping through the night with a lot of guns.

There are a couple of other Bigfoot reality shows out there with teams of scientists and/or rednecks (a close DNA match to a hillbilly) in the same pursuit. Occasionally, they’ll capture sound (no video) of a twig snapping or a leaf rustling, but that’s it.

As far as I’m concerned, there is nothing more compelling than the sight (real video moving pictures) of naked people who just had the beejeezus scared out of them running down the face of the mountain to get away from something. Now, that’s great TV, people!

We’re slipping through September now. I’ve created a self-imposed harsh schedule for shooting the new episodes. We’ll have to start no later than mid-October and should be able to call it quits and move into post-production by the end of January.

And, that’s the other thing…why couldn’t we have gotten a deal that would have put us up in the mountains during the summer? I suppose shooting naked people in the summer comes with its own unique challenges. For instance, there are the gawking tourists, though Montezuma’s reputation for being America’s Meanest Town would have kept that to a minimum. Then there are the big honking mosquitos to deal with. Wouldn’t want to turn this into “Zika Mosquito: Naked and Unsprayed”.

No, no…the winter will do nicely. Sure, the reality actors have to wear big ugly Uggs on their feets to ward off the frostbite, but it’ll be worth it.

Now, as promised, we here at CCB will begin (today) laying out our case for a coming apocalypse. It’s coming, it’s definitely coming. In fact, I suppose some critics will say that our TV reality show, “Bigfoot: Naked and Untamed” is a sign in and of itself.

In the coming weeks, months, and years (if necessary), we’ll be offering insights into that which is coming. In fact, we may start a new web site…something like www.countdown2armageddon.com (don’t bother, I already own it)…as a means for spreading the fear and anxiety (kind of like Fox News, but without the vapid blondes).

Friends, there is probably no better sign of the coming apocalypse than a great big dent in our food supply. And, here in America there is no bigger, rustier dent in our food supply than when something goes wrong in our supply of fast food. Over the past several decades, we’ve grown weak and lazy, relying on fast food for our nutrition to the point that we’ve created a bloated belly for ourselves and a multi-billion-dollar industry for the people who serve this crap.

While we sit in a posh McDonalds eating tree-pulp-laden beef and grow weaker, Charlie (our neighbor) squats in his backyard eating BBQed rattlesnake that he caught himself and grows stronger.

But, I digress…

Take for example, a woman in New York who was treating her daughter, niece, and her sister to a chicken dinner at Popeyes Louisiana Kitchen (…love that chicken from Popeyes…sing along people), when she noticed a fried rat’s head in her tray of crispy, fried chicken. The victimized woman was quoted as saying, “This is clearly a rat and they have the nerve to have a 5 rating by the Department of Health.”

Nerve, indeed.

Popeyes, of course, denies that it’s a rat head, but won’t say exactly what it is. Their suppliers also deny it.

So who is responsible? Obama? Not likely, he’s a lame-ass duck. The Trump? Nah, he’s not that smart. The Queen of the Unindicted? Maybe…she could have figured it a way to keep the Bill out of the fried chicken (“We don’t have health insurance, you moron. No more by-pass surgeries for you!”)…nah, that doesn’t make sense. Ah…Putin’s all-stars? That’s the most likely scenario. Very possible.

We aren’t saying for certain (mostly because we haven’t a clue), but it’s just one sign of the coming apocalypse. Prepare now! We’ll keep you informed.

Cousin Fred, please come home…and don’t eat the fried chicken.
 
 

---