Coming Soon...A Sophomoric Tour of Woodward County's Pubic Facilities

Happy Tuesday, everybody!  If you’re here expecting to continue reading the about our adventures with Cousin Fred, I’m sorry to disappoint or delighted to accommodate, depending on your perspective.  Reading through the emails I’ve received over the past couple of days from readers nationwide, I’ve obviously struck a chord.  Maybe everyone has their own Cousin Fred?  I dunno…but I’ve decided to suspend the further publication of the Cousin Fred sagas until such time as I deem it safe to show my face in Cosmic City again.

Here’s a sampling of the emails, for and against…mostly against…okay, totally against.

From Texas (hook’em tinhorns) comes this from an attorney representing the descendants of Temple Houston:

“…defaming the name of Texas’ own son, Temple Houston…who was coerced into moving to Oklahoma following an unfortunate scandal while living in Mobeetie, Texas (it really wasn’t his fault)…cease and desist immediately and publish a full apology…with reference to his being a good and kind drunk…a defender of women’s reputations (to wit, the “Soiled Dove” speech), and that he only used his Colt Peacemaker to hammer nails…otherwise, we will be forced to seek legal action against you and your kind…”  Dear Texas attorney…thppppt! Oh, and I have your legal action, right here, Pal!

From someone living in western Arkansas (fig sooooooooupy!) comes this plea for help:

“…Look, we know your (sic) holding Cousin Fred against his will.  Please send him back to us.  The family business is begining (sic) to dry up like Granny Fernwilt in the talc mine…we need his keen insights and special skills (he’s the only one in the family what graduated high school). He left hear (sic) late last week supposedly (sic) to get the tire fixed on our mobile lab and hasn’t been heard from since…without that vehicle we’re out of business until we can “build” a new lab beneath the Raymond C. Figglehorn Memorial Bridge over Brier Crek (sic)…”  Dear lost ancestor searchers – sorry, must be a different Fred.  According to the How Many of Me web site, there are 404,137 people in the United States with the first name of Fred.  I don’t know your Fred, don’t want to know your Fred, and we at CCB certainly don’t want to know what sort of family “business” uses a “mobile lab”…we have enough problems with our own Cousin Fred…yeesh.

From the entertainment committee of the rodeo committee of the Woodward Elks Lodge comes this:

“…We at the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks of Woodward in the Great State of Oklahoma in the United States of America take great personal exception to your insistence on describing events that are certainly beyond the pale of acceptable human behavior.  We wish to inform the good people of Woodward that under no circumstances would the entertainment committee of the rodeo committee of the Woodward B.P.O.E. ever engage the nefarious Cousin Fred to “entertain” in the manner as presented in your blog.  You Sir, are a cad, a bounder, and an arrogant gadfly.  We are seeking an immediate injunction to keep you and any your ilk from coming within 100 yards of the 85th Woodward Elks Rodeo!”  Dear whatever – my “ilk” you’re going to keep away from the rodeo?  Really?  I’m a cad and a bounder?  This from an organization that sponsored the infamous “naked golf” tournament a few years ago?  Oh, I’m coming to the rodeo…it’s on!

Then there’s the guy who writes every day and is becoming increasingly threatening with every email:

“…yeah, you think yur (sic) so funny ain’t you laffing (sic) boy?  Your sight (sic) is stupid and dozn’t make since (sic). As soon I can find yur (sic) compound I’m gonna fix yur (expletives deleted).  You gonna get yurs (sic) laffing (sic) boy.”  There was more to this one, but I got tired of adding Latin adverbs (sic erat scriptum). 

The one that follows is pretty much in the same vein though better written:

“…you know, this really isn’t very funny.  And no one outside of your hometown gets your humor.  Frankly, it’s kind of boring.  Who cares about Temple Houston?  Do you think anyone under the age of 25 living there cares about Temple Houston?  You should consider finding work that better fits your skillset.  I would suggest being the greeter at the Woodward Walmart Supercenter, but that’s an insult to the greeters at Walmarts everywhere.  Get a job you dolt, a real job…no more fake jobs. You need to make this interesting for people outside of Woodward County. And, by the way, who is Cousin Fred?  I hope it isn’t my brother-in-law Fred Spinney.  Frankly, your so-called humor is very sophomoric…”  Sigh.  Just figured out that this one came from the wife.  No, Cousin Fred isn’t brother-in-law Fred who doesn’t live anywhere near western Arkansas.  Sometimes, it’s hell being me.

Hey, speaking of sophomoric humor…Woodward News, today’s edition, page 2A, there is an article about yesterday’s weekly Woodward County Commission meeting.  I am reading through the article (always read the pieces written by CCB’s favorite Woodward News correspondent, Rachael Van Horn)…the usual…commissioners tabled bids (County Commissioner speak for “put off today what we can do next week”…blah, blah, blah…approval for boring a gas pipeline beneath a District 3 road…uh huh…nothing about repairing District 3 roads I see (out in front of the compound it’s beginning to look as though someone is boring through the road)…blah, blah, blah…approved county officer reports, treasurer reports…and then…there it was.  A classic Rachael Van Horn editorial mistake.

She informs all of us that Roscoe Hill was reappointed to the Woodward County Pubic Facilities Authority.  Wow…Woodward County has a pubic facilities authority.  Wonder what goes on at those meetings?  And where are these pubic facilities?  We at CCB intend to find out!…just as soon as we can find Roscoe Hill who has apparently gone into hiding.

How’s that for sophomoric?  Attend the Elks Rodeo everyone…a great event and a great tradition here in Woodward (14-18 July).