![]() Good morning everyone. It’s Tuesday, primary day in West Virginia, whose state motto translated from the Latin is “So Tell Us Again Why We’re in the Big XII”. I’ll try to recount the events of yesterday as best I can. Frankly, I’m still shaky just thinking about it all. As you may recall, Gigi, The Trump’s hair-doer and Cousin Fred have become an item. This was evidenced by their showing up here at The Compound and taking up residence in Hellkat One’s trailer. You regular readers of the blog (all two of you according to the very flawed website statistics provided by my web host – may be two, may be 200) will recall that Gigi was due to fly out of OKC yesterday en route The Trump’s location. As Monday morning dragged on and I didn’t see much activity outside the trailer, I texted Cousin Fred and asked when Gigi would be departing for the airport in OKC. Cousin Fred texted back with “you worry too much…you keep worrying like that you’ll have a heart attack.” Finally, I decided it wasn’t anything I had control over so I decided to let it go. I went back to weeding my vast crop of tomato plants out in the center lawn here at The Compound. I tell you people, by late June, I will be known as Mr. Tomatohead around here. Well, assuming I can keep the jackrabbits and my mutts out of the crop. Around noon, as I was sitting on the front porch here at The Compound, I noticed that the trailer had stopped moving, which I took as a sign that perhaps Gigi’s departure would be imminent. Cousin Fred appeared at the door and stepped out, gazing at the sky as he did so. He saw me and began walking in my direction. He told me that Gigi was finishing up her packing. Odd, I didn’t recall her even having a bag when they arrived. Cousin Fred told me that he had made a deal with Gigi to snap a pic of The Trump when he was without whatever that is on his head…animal, vegetable, or mineral. He explained that there are three phases to making The Trump’s coiffure. There’s the maintenance phase which was nothing but daily maintenance requiring fourteen cans of hairspray and one can of marine-grade shellac. Then there’s the every other day minor maintenance which requires the addition of extra strands of whatever that is to keep the coiffure full of hair-like whatevers. Gigi indicated that takes at least two hours to complete. In the end, there’s the Complete Makeover, which is done once a month. That requires stripping everything off by shampooing The Trump’s scalp in denatured alcohol and rebuilding the coiffure strand by strand. That process requires 5-6 hours and costs a few thousand lives. When I mentioned to Cousin Fred my amazement that he was able to get that much information from Gigi, he said that she was very worried. That she and all of the other servants…er, employees…had signed blood oaths to keep their mouths shut. But when she got back she would to get us a picture of him during Complete Makeover day, which was coming up before his first public appearance in West Virginia. Cousin Fred’s plan was to sell the pic “exclusively” to anyone…everyone who would pay. I pointed out that The Trump was likely to sue him and Gigi, but Cousin Fred didn’t seem too worried. “We’ll cross the litigation bridge when we come to it, I reckon,” he said. “The American people have a right to see the pig their buyin’.” Well put, Cousin Fred, well put. That’s when we heard it…that sound. For anyone who has ever been in the military it’s a sound that causes your stomach to sink. I gazed out over the horizon to see three helicopters appear. They were flying in formation, knap of the earth navigation from what I could see. Egads! We’re being invaded! About a mile out, they kicked on Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries”…I went into pure flashback mode. It was The Trump! I had been with him flying into Shattuck last year when he did the same thing! As they neared, the two helos on the flank peeled off and took up positions about 300 feet off the ground on either side of The Compound. I could see door gunners hanging in their platforms and keeping weapons trained on us. The helo in the center flared slightly to make its landing…RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY TOMATOES. Emblazoned down the side of the beast were the words, TRUMP STATES OF AMERICA! The fiends were there to steal Gigi! As the helo landed, men dressed in black poured out from inside. Two made a beeline toward Hellkat One’s trailer. Cousin Fred began to move, but the others were moving toward us, weapons at the ready so he stopped. Gigi emerged from the trailer, walking on her own free will. One of the thugs carried her suitcase. I still don’t remember her having a suitcase when they arrived. The other gently holding her hand as they moved toward the waiting helicopter. Without so much as a wave or a nod toward us, Gigi boarded the helo. The men in black lowered their weapons and retreated to the waiting helicopter. In a flash it lifted off. Over the loudspeaker we heard, “Be not worried puny citizens, The Trump is will make us all great again!” With that it was gone. The two gunships on either side soon departed as well. So, how was your Monday? Comments are closed.
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