Christmas Eve Gas Works...

Happy Christmas Eve everybody! Hope you’re off to a better start than me today.

Apparently, our rural trash pick-up day changed this week. I should have known. So like an idiot I rolled the trash container down to the road this morning with an envelope securely attached with a holiday tip for the truck crew.

The trash never got picked up, but someone helped themselves to the $$$. I know you’re thinking as I would have, that the envelope simply blew off. Nope, the envelope was still attached, but the contents were gone.

Eh well, I hope whomever took it, needed it.

Then I made the mistake of thinking I could make a run to the store early this morning and avoid last minute crowds.  Hrrrmph.  

Walmart is hell on earth. I put them in the same class as self-service laundromats. Hell on earth, I’m tellin’ ya.

But I had to go to Walmart, I needed stuff to make my Rib Ranch Replication Sauce. Will start cooking that soon…after I polish off a couple of glasses of Jack Daniel’s.

By the way, if you have need for molasses and Walmart is your only option, it’s located on the cereal aisle. If that makes sense to you, you’re probably a lot smarter than me.

I searched the baking aisle. I searched the pancakes and syrup aisle. One of their employees sent me to the jelly aisle. Nothing.

I literally began going up and down every aisle and finally got lucky on the cereal aisle.

But enough of my holiday fun…let’s get to some real life drama.

We, here at CCB, have begun to sniff out (nyuk nyuk) another disturbing trend in relations between men and women.

In the past, we’ve posted actual stories that included a woman who repeatedly stabbed her man in the groin with an ink pen. His crime? Eating “all” the salsa in the house. After careful analysis of that story, we advised all men to NOT eat “all” the salsa in the house and to stay the hell out of Ohio.

Then there was the evil woman in Japan who stabbed her husband after he had a particularly smelly bowel movement. Our sage advice then was for men to start using the bathroom at the corner gas station, unless of course that gas station is in Fargo, Ok and owned by Lloyd Kennedy (inside joke).

Finally, there was the woman who killed her husband by throwing cans of food at him. His offense? He ate all the lima beans in the house. To avoid canned carnage we only offered that everyone should stay the hell out of Los Angeles.

With this latest report, we have once again activated the CCB Institute for the Study of Female Histrionics (CCBIFTSOFH) to look into things and make a full report.

What is it that I speak of?

A report from Huffington Post this week cited a woman in Port St. Lucie, Florida who was arrested for domestic battery after allegedly attacking her husband for farting in bed.

Said flatulence fiasco fired up with the opening rip at approximately 3:20AM in the couple’s home, according to police reports.

The alleged husband, we’ll call him Gassy Gus, said his wife, we’ll call her 2Easily Offended (her mug shot is above), told police that she started elbowing him when he passed gas.

Things escalated from there with 2Easily Offended finally kicking (literally) Gassy Gus out of their marital bed.

Things continued to escalate until finally a full-blown melee broke out. 2Easily Offended ran into the bathroom (maybe she should have chased Gassy Gus in there, just sayin’) where she dialed 911.

And, if you thought it would end there…wait, there’s more.

She allegedly emerged from the alleged bathroom and according to the police, “discharged a canister of pepper spray in the bedroom.”

The police weren’t amused. She was arrested and charged with domestic battery.

Actually, Gassy Gus got off easy…just up the road from Port St. Lucie, in Immokalee another woman fed up with her boyfriend’s flatulence finally decided to confront him. Alleged boyfriend (him we’ll call Tootin’ Tony) told her to shut up…he couldn’t help it if he had gas.

At that point the alleged woman (we’ll call her Betty Blade) picked up an 8-inch knife and threw it at Tootin’ Tony’s stomach, leaving a gash in his abdomen.

Things escalated with Betty Blade beating Tootin’ Tony with a stick (guess the fact that he was bleeding from his abdomen wasn’t enough for her).

Fortunately, real law enforcement showed up at some point and arrested her for aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. She’s still in jail.

Wonder what it is that’s making these Florida men’s intestinal gases so offensive? Maybe they’re both connoisseurs of pickled herring?  Oooooh…I’ll bet they both like to eat buckets of fried mullets…I did a lot of that when I lived in Florida. I reeked for days after.

Okay, enough heartwarming Christmas couples stories, I have BBQ Sauce to make.

Have a great one!

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