Cake decorating at Walmart...hopelessly lost sheriff's deputies...machete swinging, ax wielding, fire setting women in South Carolina...and you think you have problems?

Happy Tuesday everybody! Hope you had a great weekend and start to the week. For me, I’m considering shorter weekends. Maybe I can get a part-time gig decorating cakes at Walmart or something. I’m sure the current head of cake decoration there would like a little time off during the weekend? I wind up spending too much time here at The Compound.

O…let me count the ways…Siding Sam's early-60’s vintage Buick that the Brother-in-Law pushed into the road in front of The Compound is still there. A sheriff’s unit from the next county over stopped on Saturday to look it over. Guess he was a bit confused as to where the county line actually is (hint – it’s one mile west).

The deputy informed me that I am not move the vehicle until a full investigation can be conducted. I tried to point out that he was a bit out of his jurisdiction, but he simply gave me a confused look and commenced wrapping the Buick in yellow crime scene tape.

He hasn’t been back…bet he can’t find the place the again.

The cabling is done on the humungous video displays on the stage for the Clustering of Gigolos Music Festival this summer.

Izzy, the non-driving Buddhist vegan with irretrievably poor eyesight consultant from OKC is back at The Compound. I drove down to the City on Friday afternoon to fetch him back here. I need someone around to keep Cousin Fred in check. Especially if I’m going to take up part-time cake decorating at Walmart.

Izzy will stay in Friend Lamont’s RV.

So, that was my weekend. Still, it’s not as bad as the Sunday of the poor fellow out in South Carolina whose girlfriend/friend/random female (it’s unclear exactly what she is to him) did her best(?) to lob off his head with a cheap machete.

Friends, let me give you a piece of advice. If you’re like me (and I pray you aren’t), you sometimes have trouble sleeping and when you do you sometimes turn on the TV and watch the knife show. They have all kinds of edged weapons on there that you can buy and pay nearly as much in shipping charges to get it into your hands.

BUT, whatever you do, don’t buy their machete sword. It doesn’t come sharpened and unless you know what you’re doing and have a decent tool for sharpening swords it’ll never get to a point that you can properly behead your boyfriend/friend/random dude.

Now then, you’re probably asking yourself, “What in the world did he do to her to deserve an attempt at beheading?” Am I right? I know I asked myself that question as I read the account of Sunday’s South Carolina mayhem.

Turns out it was nothing. Well, nothing if you’re of reasonable mental health. She thought people were coming to crucify her and (I guess) she thought the random boy toy in her house (we’ll call him Captain Wienbag) was the first wave. At least that’s what she told the cops – it’s her story and she’s sticking to it.

So…first she managed to get a bag over his head – presumably she wanted to contain the mess and then proceeded with whacking at his neck with the machete. I bet it was one of those cheap, dull machetes from the knife show. The only thing she managed to do was split his ear, which I’m sure bled without end. Good thing she had it contained in the plastic bag, right?

But, wait there’s more! When he tried to run away (I know, right? Well, he is Captain Wienbag after all!) she chased him and threw an ax at him.

But, wait there’s still more! Captain Wienbag made it to his pickup and attempted drive away. Before he could though, she managed to light off a gas can in the back setting the pickup afire.

The cops show up and the Warrior Princess (as we’re calling her) seemed oblivious to everything that had happened. Hmmmmm. She is charged with attempted murder and arson.
The story doesn’t mention how Captain Wienbag came to have the bag tied over his head and/or didn’t fight back. Bet there was some sort of depraved sex thing going on. Whaddyathink?

It turns out this wasn’t Warrior Princess’ first rodeo with attempted murder.

Two years ago she was charged after placing a bag over her mother’s head and attempting to choke mom to death. Then she claimed she was just trying to release the demons (from her or mom?). Hmmmmm.

So what have we learned here today kids?

1. Cake decorating at Walmart can be a catharsis.

2. Always check into the past history of anyone you’re considering taking up a depraved sex thing with.

3. Never allow anyone to tie a bag over your head no matter how “good” it will be.

4. ALWAYS check under the bed, behind the door, and beneath the couch for cheap machetes with dull blades. They’re hard to hide.

5. Stay the hell out of South Carolina!

That is all!

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