 Happy 3rd of July everybody! I hope this auspicious day finds you well and ready for whatever is thrown at you. As you long time followers of this stupid blog may recall, July 3rd marks the founding of the Pathetic Order of the Jackrabbit, Original Charter. Celebrations will be taking place at The Compound throughout the day. All are invited to participate, you don’t have to be a member of P.O.J.O.C. The celebrations have become somewhat tamer than they were just last year. There will be no more fun, wholesome family activities such as angry badger wrestling or the ever-popular rabid skunk petting pen. We’ve also eliminated the feral hog roping and hog-tie competition. The collecting of ticks from the ears of live jackrabbits won’t be happening. Hell, we’ve even eliminated the kids’ favorite of feeding chunks of cantaloupe held between their teeth to red-eyed box turtles. None of that. Between the lawsuits and a very detailed list of “Prohibited Activities” from our Compound insurance company, we’re not left with much to do around here thanks to stupid lawyers and overly cautious insurance agents. Cousin Fred, the most junior member of P.O.J.O.C., pointed out that there is nothing on the list about Rattlesnake Red Rover or Water Moccasin Mambo Dancing Competition, so he’s working those angles. Cousin Fred has also been working on creating a vat of a potent potable (sorry, Alex) he calls Death from Alcohol Poisoning, or DAP (we’re big on acronyms here at The Compound) for refreshments. Basically, he had all the members of P.O.J.O.C. drop off their leftover bottles of booze – you know the stuff that has been following you around since your college days when you discovered that you didn’t really like the taste of Grand Marnier. Or, the half-empty bottles of Yukon Dick – the world’s worst whiskey only eclipsed by the Wife’s personal favorite, Old Crow. To the vat Cousin Fred plans to add a few blocks of dry ice to chill the “cocktail” a bit. Nothing says “class” like a smoking cauldron of death in a cup. Am I right? It’s gonna be great, you’ll see! For any of you new to the blog and P.O.J.O.C, here is a recap of the membership (besides Cousin Fred and I): Jake the Snake – He’s a local Roto-Rooter technician who has made a fortune on cleaning septic tanks; Terry Two-Fingers – Tourism is his game. He makes a living “charming” rattlesnakes over near Freedom; Crisco Carl – Carl has the misfortune of having been born with the Irish eyebrows. Seriously, they’re completely unruly and are only tamed with a dab of Crisco applied daily; K-Y Kelly - a former proctologist who lost his license to practice medicine when the hospital he was working for realized he was totally blind in one eye and could barely see out of the other. He’s great to have around for emergency room stories, and; Harry the Hoarder - a world record holder for having the world’s biggest collection of men’s magazines from 1940-1974. Local Boy Scouts have been known to knife one another to be the first to ring his doorbell during the annual Boy Scouts’ Paper Recycling Drive. If you’re interested in joining our fraternal order, you’re in luck as we’re in the middle of our latest membership drive. Please contact me. We need new blood. Sure, we have monthly meetings which are nothing more than a great excuse to BBQ something dead and drink copious amounts of alcohol, but we’re also a charitable bunch. No, seriously. We have a widows and orphans fund that we use to pay for our monthly meetings, so we can think of new ways to increase the bottom line of the widows and orphans fund. We’re self-sustaining that way…not to mention benevolent. And speaking of rattlesnakes – a weak segue I know. Did you hear the one about the two neighbors in Texas who got into a dispute over something…neither neighbor can recall exactly what the issue was at the time. Neighbor #1, we’ll call him Snake Eater decided to settle things once and for all. He catches a three-foot rattlesnake, bites the rattle off the snake’s tail with his own teeth (personally I would have used someone else’s teeth) and then throws said viper into Neighbor #2’s (we’ll call him Machete Man) RV. Machete Man sees Snake Eater exiting his RV and asks just what the hell he thinks he was doing inside his RV? Snake Eater reportedly spit the rattle from his mouth and informed Machete Man that he would soon find out. Muahahahaha. Machete Man enters his RV and spys now really pissed-off rattlesnake coiled up on the dining table and unfolds into a king-sized waterbed. Machete Man employs a machete (what else?) and quickly dispatches said snake. That’s a brave man. Me? I’d have thrown gasoline in there, tossed a match, and walked away. But, that’s just me. Machete Man then calls the cops who arrest Snake Eater (note mug shot) and charge him with two misdemeanors. Misdemeanors? Really? This in a state that executes people for just about anything? Snake Eater was charged with Criminal Trespass of a Habitation and Deadly Conduct (Class A)…something called Deadly Conduct is a misdemeanor in Texas? Sheesh! My advice, friends…stay the hell out of Texas! That is all! Comments are closed.
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