Bang Your Chakra to Heavy Metal Covers of The Carpenters...

STOP WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING and run out to buy today’s edition of the Woodward News!!!!!!!  I’m serious!  I’ll wait patiently until you come back.

<Elevator music playing in the background.>

There is secret coding for secret messages in today’s paper!  I’M NOT MAKING THIS UP!

Okay…everybody back now?  Turn to page 3A.  Near the bottom.  See it?  The AP article about Her Royal Highness Mary of Fallin announcing that she is exiling her daughter Christina from the grounds of the palace and ordering the removal of said exiled daughter’s “nice” travel trailer forthwith. 

I’ll bet HRH is now reading Cosmic City Blog and saw my post yesterday offering to host the exiled daughter here at the compound.  We uncovered evidence last week that the Oklahoma Attorney General is reading this blog…maybe he tipped her off. 

HRH moved quickly to call a press conference to announce that she was banishing the daughter and her “nice” gypsy caravan from the palace grounds, saying that it does violate an “obscure” state regulation…though she didn’t realize it at the time that she allowed now-exiled daughter across the moat with her trailer and its accompanying tents and assorted nomads.  

I, of course, as a trained professional was able to read between the lines of HRH’s statement to the press and deciphered the following message, “She’s headed to a remote compound on the western edge of Woodward County.”

I do love it when a plan comes together.

Fortunately, Cousin Fred left behind one of the coin-operated solar-powered electrical hookups from the Memorable Memorial Day Weekend festivities.  He did that just in case he had to bring Mr. Kim’s bootlegger RV back over this way.  So Christina will have an electrical hook-up to her now-banished-from-the-Kingdom travel trailer. 

Yes, sir…this is great.  She can park here next to the mud hole that is left of what was Lake Mountebank following all that rain earlier this summer.  She can sit out there during the evening gazing at the brother-in-law’s two fishing boats still submerged in mud and plot her next move (after the Thrash Metal Jam Festival in August).  My plan is that she’ll serve as emcee for the festival and I’ll even let her band, Pink Pony, perform a set or two.  Everyone wins!

And, speaking of the Thrash Metal Jam Festival…I’m thinking I need to change the general tone of the festival.  CCB as you may recall in late June posted about the results of a study done in Australia that found loud, heavy metal music actually puts the brain in a calm and relaxed state. 

This past week, there was an article published on Time magazine’s web site that discussed how people working with sharks in the water have found a similar result.  When the researchers blast AC/DC music through underwater speakers it not only attracts great white sharks, but they appeared very calm and less aggressive toward the diver in the shark cage beneath the water.  In fact, the sharks reportedly come past the speakers with the music blaring and rub their faces against them.  How’s that for f-ing creepy?

Let’s review shall we?  Obviously, heavy metal music has a calming effect on the brain (of humans and sharks, at least), but no one seems to understand why.  Who cares? 

I’m thinking that since I’m not getting a lot in the way of ticket sales to this point (likely to change now that we have a semi-celebrity emcee), why not turn this into a three-day yoga and meditation gathering?  I know right?  GENIUS!  Imagine a field full of yoga mats with people in tight yoga clothing doing downward facing dog poses to strains of the metal version of The Carpenters’ classic “Close to You” as done by Wiley Piemore and the Prairie Dawgs.  I’m on to something here, I think. 

As Cousin Fred pointed out, “Them yoga people have a lot of disposal (sic) income to dispose of…you might should hike the price of tickets by 20%!”

Excellent thought, Cousin Fred.  Okay we’re off to mow the area around Christina’s trailer site.  Expect her to arrive before noon.