ATTENTION! Very Important CCB Gripping News Alert Follows!

Okay, get a grip…here comes a GRIPPING CCB NEWS ALERT, everybody! 

The Oklahoma Department of Wildlife Conservation is implementing a plan that will chase all businesses and people out of Oklahoma.  They want to push everyone out of the state and turn it all into habitat for Lesser Prairie Chickens.  Do you hear what I’m saying???!!!  Before long, the Lesser Prairie Chicken will be lounging around on your new Italian leather sofa (it’s so soft) watching old “Super Chicken” cartoons!  I’m not making this up!  Why, oh why won’t anyone listen to me???!!!

Her Royal Highness Mary of Fallin was quoted as saying, “Gee…if all of my subjects were Lesser Prairie Chickens I bet there would be fewer complaints.  And, if a large chunk of the State Capitol falls on a Lesser Prairie Chicken, they aren’t as likely to sue.  And, if I replace the morons in the state legislature with Lesser Prairie Chickens, I can get away with whatever I want!  I like it!  Make it so!”

We at CCB warned you commoners about this day…oh yes, we said it was coming, but did you listen?  Nooooooooo.  Bet you’re listening now!  Prepare to pack up your cars and move to Kansas…it’s cheaper there you know.

I’ve told the wife again and again to stop mollycoddling the danged Lesser Prairie Chickens, but does she listen?  Noooooooo.  She just keeps inviting them inside the compound where she feeds them and counts them and lets them watch old “Super Chicken” cartoons on my new big screen TV.

Now, I realize there are those of you who are probably feeling that Ol’ Robin has gone off the tracks…that he’s gone home to Jerome…that he’s probably been hitting the Jack Daniel’s a bit too much lately.  Uh huh.

In case you’ve all forgotten, we at CCB first alerted all y’all about this months ago when black Government helicopters began appearing over NW Oklahoma skies.  Ostensibly, the secret government agents flying the black helicopters were simply counting Lesser Prairie Chickens and checking out their “habitat”…hrrrrmph.

So, I get up this morning and start my day as I normally do here at the compound…sipping coffee, perusing the Woodward News (whose motto translated from the Latin, is “We’ve replaced our editor with a Lesser Prairie Chicken”) and then checking to see if the guy in the black sedan is still parked down the road (he is).  AND THERE IT WAS…on the front page of the Woodward News no less…with a full-color photo of our newest nemesis…the freakin’ Lesser Prairie Chicken.  And you thought the feral hogs from Texas were a problem!

Our favorite Woodward News reporter, Rachael Van Horn, wrote today’s article…just like she wrote the last article about Lesser Prairie Chickens.  We at CCB are convinced that she is a Lesser Prairie Chicken sympathizer.  Hey…maybe she plans to become the Queen of Lesser Prairie Chickens once we all move to Kansas.  Yeah, that’s probably it.  Of course that will put her head-to-head with HRH Mary of Fallin, but we at CCB are fairly certain that Rachael can take HRH without even breaking a sweat.

The thrust of the article was that the Lesser Prairie Chicken is bouncing back from near-extinction, but wildlife conservationists are saying that much more needs to be done.

Uh huh, well by all means keep counting the birds from the air and I’ll keep pointing the way to their habitat with my middle finger!

Okay, for those of you who are speed dialing the Woodward County Sheriff’s Office to get an emergency confinement order against me (good luck, the daughter has been trying for years), you should go back and read what we at CCB uncovered regarding the Oklahoma Department of Wildlife Conservation and their plan to liberate Lesser Prairie Chickens.  In that posting (cuz you probably won’t read it), we revealed that the ODWC (whose motto translated from the Latin is, “Less Oil & Gas, Fewer Cattle, More Lesser Prairie Chickens”) does not actually receive tax money.  They are a self-sustaining State entity…maybe the idiots on North Lincoln Blvd should look into robbing ODWC’s coffers to pay for their subsidized lunches rather than the Teacher’s Pension Fund.  They get their dollars from several sources including the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN), which until about thirty years ago promoted the “Yellowstone Model” of wildlife conservation which favors the banishment of human beings in areas of vulnerable habitat. They stopped making a lot of noise about it when they realized that their cash donations were drying up…yeah, try getting cash out of a Lesser Prairie Chicken IUCN!   

The time to rise up is now, people of Northwest Oklahoma, lest you find yourselves on the brink of extinction your own damn selfs (sic). 

Okay, I’m headed into the bunker…I hear the distinct woppa woppa sound of Oklahoma Department of Wildlife Conservation helicopters starting their daily ritual of overflights of the compound.  Middle fingers up!