Angry Russians, crazy North Koreans, shirt pockets stuffed with legal documents, restraining orders, and argumentative congressmen...yep, it's Thursday!

Friends, welcome to the Armageddon edition of CCB. According to my overnight newsfeeds, today is the day we’re all going to die. I would suggest going straight to Walmart and buying all the crap you can lay your hands on. Run up those credit cards! Enjoy your stupidly lavish lifestyle for whatever time you have left ‘cause The Trump is apparently determined to push us into the abyss. Or, is he? Hmmmmmmmm.

But first, really important news…Cousin Fred is back! As you altogether too dedicated readers of his stupid blog (all two of you) may remember, Cousin Fred was whisked away from The Compound by a horde of U.S. Marshals. His crime? Reaching out to contact Gigi, The Trump’s hairdressing hydrologist and Cousin Fred’s former girlfriend.

I heard a helicopter buzzing overhead yesterday. I ran out onto the lawn thinking it was another raid by law enforcement. By the time I got outside, the helo was taking off again. Cousin Fred was sitting on the ground with his hands cuffed behind his back. The fiends! Stuffed in his shirt pocket was a release receipt for a federal lock-up in OKC and a cease-and-desist order signed by a federal judge prohibiting Cousin Fred from dialing any phone number east of the Mississippi.

Just another day here at The Compound.

Okay, back to the whole we’re all gonna die today thing…no, wait…one more thing.
Markwayne Mullin. Ever heard of him? Name sounds like he should be a serial killer. No? Never heard of him? Lucky you. He’s an idiot congressman from the Tulsa area.

Congress is on a break from doing nothing except plotting their next move to burn any books or periodicals that mention the name Barak Obama. Seriously, that’s all they’re doing right now.

So while they’re on break, all the congressional-types, scurrying little cockroaches they are, are scurrying back to their home ground to hold townhall meetings where they tell their constituents what a miraculous job they’re doing so they can rake in the reelection donations and try to save their jobs.

After fixing the toilet at the townhall site (Markwayne was a plumber before he became a congress-type…really the same kind of job, dealing with sh*t), Markwayne kicked off his event and was promptly kicked in the face. To say the audience was hostile would be an understatement. Markwayne’s failure was that he started yelling back. Really the best tactic is to fake a heart attack and fall to the ground. The ambulance will be there momentarily. I think it’s safe to say, Markwayne (what kind of a name is that anyway?) is political toast. Hopefully, congressional wannabes are already lining up against him.

Okay, NOW back to the world will end today thing…well, with a slight deter. So Rex (The Tex) Tillerson was in Moscow and finally got a meeting with Vlad (The Poot) Putin. The meeting didn’t happen until The Poot could give an interview in which he referred to the people of the United States as “primitive and loutish.” Hmmm, he may be onto something there.

Rex (The Tex) tried to engage the Russian in a high stakes game of tiddlywink, but The Poot was having none of it. In the end, Rex (The Tex) left to come back to ‘Merica with the anguished plea, “But, ain’t you gonna give me another medal?”

The Trump isn’t happy, I bet. He hired Rex (The Tex) because he was close personal friends with The Poot. That’s obviously no longer the case. Flushed from the Kremlin like so much yesterday’s beef stroganoff (maybe Markwayne can help).

Okay, here it is, the real reason you should all run out and max your cards and have meaningless sweaty sex with a total stranger…we’re all going to die!

In North Korea today it’s a holiday of sorts. Holidays are tough to come by if you’re North Korean. Hard to celebrate when you can’t eat. Supreme Moron Kim Jong Uno is either going to set off a nuclear test or launch a nuclear missile. It’s going to be a “big event”, whatever it is, kind of like Jong Uno’s ass.

The Trump on the other hand has sent elements of the U.S. Seventh Fleet to troll off the coast. Uno says he’ll launch a missile strike on the U.S. if The Trump tries any funny business.

I’m telling you…we’re all going to die! Take cover!

That is all!

Editor’s note: Our unseemly dis-barred corporate attorney feels compelled to make the following statement. Under no circumstances does CCB actually intend to imply that our readership should actually run to Walmart and max out credit cards and/or engage in reckless sex with strangers. Don’t listen to the chief blogger, he’s an idiot. Just go about your normal business and act as though nothing is wrong!

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