Good morning everybody and happy hump day. The Trump and the Queen of the Unindicted go head to head tonight. I can tell all y’all are simply breathless with anticipation. Am I right? Actually, having press credentials has its privileges at times. I was among the huge throng of rabid media yesterday out at McCarran International Airport here in Vegas Baby! for each of the candidates’ respective plane arrivals. The Trump in his big flashy 757 skirted past the Queen of the Unindicted’s smaller, but somewhat more prudent 737 on a taxiway. It was a moment made for television particularly as Her Majesty’s flight crew ran out onto the tarmac to moon the Trump as his plane taxied past. Soon thereafter, breaking news that amounts to a pre-fight card began pouring in from all quarters. First, the government of Ecuador admitted that it cut off Julian Assange’s internet access in an effort to keep him from manipulating elections in this country by recklessly releasing Clinton emails. Of course, they swear there was no outside influence (okay, everyone, roll eyes skyward) and that they were acting on their own. Uh huh. Then, in a Rose Garden press conference with the Prime Minister of Italy, Obama said publicly out loud that it was time for the Trump to stop whining about election rigging. THAT was followed by the Trump inviting Obama’s half-brother who is an actual Kenyan and the mother of one of the Benghazi victims to set on his side. On Her Majesty’s side, there is that billionaire nut-case Mark Cuban and a Republican business woman that reportedly Mr. Bill has never sexually harassed. Oh, this will be great television people! Actually, it might have been more fun if Her Majesty had invited Alec Baldwin to sit on her side. That way during the debate he could have made those squishy faces that he does on SNL when he plays the Trump. Let’s see, Chelsea Clinton is now accusing her parents’ closest aides of taking sacks of cash during the feuds over the Clinton Foundation. Huh? Well, I say is now accusing…actually that was in a WikiLeaks leaked email. Damn you, Assange! So, she says that while everyone was arguing over the Foundation, the aides ran out the door with tons of money? Really? Try an audit, dear. Get over yourself. Other emails included the Queen of the Unindicted complaining about a stop at a Chipotle’s in Iowa for lunch early in the campaign and no one in the restaurant recognized her. Apparently, she was most offended. Word has it that she will carpet bomb the restaurant if she becomes president. There is also word that Her Majesty holds a six-point lead over the Trump in two major polls (NBC News & Survey Monkey) going into this debate. She leads with women and younger men by an eighteen point margin. So what do you think? Is it a foregone conclusion that Her Majesty is to be crowned? Eh, who knows? More than any other election since King George II beat out Mr. Internet, voter turnout matters. It really matters. That opinion was shared by the crowd of my newest friends from the American Association of Political Analysts who packed the suite last night in search of free booze, chicken wings, and hotel pay-per-view movies. All of that bunch was getting warmed up for tonight. Shouting things at one another like, “You know, I used to think you were a pretty good guy. But now, I realize you’re just an atavistic dolt on the Clinton payroll!” That would be followed by (in a much quieter voice), “So, what did you think? Was that convincing?” The virginal vegan Brooklynn Hodensack disappeared into her bedroom when the analysts started practicing their yelling at one another. That went on until the two candidates’ flight crews showed up. That’s when things really became tense with the two crews calling each other names like, “crop dusters” and “glider pilots”. Cousin Fred really became a pain in the ass. He kept bugging the Trump’s crew about where the divine Ms. Gigi might be staying. That led to one of Trump’s flight attendants producing a stun gun from her purse and putting it to Cousin Fred’s neck before releasing the charge. Cousin Fred is still out cold. It’s gonna be a food fight tonight, folks. Hopefully, you’ll all tune in for some quality family entertainment. I don’t really think there is a need for a third debate. I think most people have made up their minds as to which candidate they’ll vote for. Eh well, if nothing else, it will likely produce fodder for SNL’s writers. That is all! Comments are closed.
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