America is Decadent and Well, Generally Weird...

Busy day here at the compound yesterday.  Cousin Fred from western Arkansas arrived following my phone call to him about the faux man bun idea.  He said he dropped everything and traveled here so we could develop the idea.  Guess he’s planning to stay for a bit.  He arrived with a trunk full of Walmart bags containing his clothes.  By Cousin Fred’s way of thinking, he’s helping the environment by reusing the Walmart bags rather than simply giving his “money to that Ricardo of Beverly Hills guy” for actual luggage.

The wife began looking very nervous as we unloaded the last of 38 bags.  I noticed her left eye was beginning to twitch and then saw her run off to hide all the liquor.  That task complete, she locked herself in the bedroom and still refuses to come out.  She told me to just leave trays of food outside the door and knock twice. 

I asked Cousin Fred why he brought so much stuff with him.  He told me that he’s planning to stay for as long as it takes to develop and get our man buns to market.  Truth be told, I’m betting his Great Aunt Gertrude probably kicked his lazy rear out of her house.  He moved in with her after his former roommate, Mr. Kim (R.I.P.), accidentally burned down the trailer they shared.  Seems Mr. Kim was working to improve his Korean Plum Wine Hooch and there was a mishap.  We’ll all miss Mr. Kim. 
I was about to inform Cousin Fred that he could stay the weekend, but that’s it when I noticed he had left the room.  I found him outside with a pair of binoculars surveying the countryside.  He asked me to get him a ladder so he could get up on the roof and see better.  I made the mistake of asking what it was he thought he was doing.  He informed me that he was looking for horses in the area.  That’s when I made the even bigger mistake of asking why he was looking for horses…when will I learn to keep my questions to myself?

Cousin Fred whipped out his iPad showed me that there are already fake buns on the market.  Most are made by the Chinese from real human (presumably Chinese) hair.  These sell for between $10-30.  Buns made from synthetic hair are much less expensive, generally less than $10. 

Cousin Fred’s idea is to create our buns from horse hair, which according to Cousin Fred is much more durable and takes hair coloring easily.  He plans to sell these for $9.99 per bun.  He claims to have a lock on a distributor for our product out in California.  We’ll see…this may get interesting.  There’s a regular meeting tonight of the Pathetic Order of the Jackrabbit – Original Charter.  Maybe I can drum up some interest among the membership for this enterprise, or at least find someone with whom Cousin Fred can stay so the wife will come out of hibernation. 

But, I digress…I didn’t bait you folks with that blog title just to discuss the further adventures of Cousin Fred, oh no.  I’m on to a much more important topic. 

Friends…how many times have you sat around your humble abode thinking to yourself, “Now how is it that I don’t have any rich relatives who will leave me a large inheritance?”  I know, right?  You hear about it all the time…people being left land, money, valuable pieces of art, silver-plated vapes with clever phrases in Aramaic etched on the side, etc. 

Well, according to an article posted on the Huffington Post web site, some group called NAPSA (National Association for the Preservation of Skin Art) has come up with a way for those of you with a lot of ink to have your “art” removed from your dead corpse (the best kind of corpse, me thinks) and preserved for a loved-one to hang on the wall.  “Huh,” you say?  People, I can’t possibly make this crap up (and if I could, I’d be rich)!

NAPSA, on their web site, has posted their nine steps for preserving your skin…yeesh!  The steps are as follows (with unseemly commentary by me):

Step 1:  If you do not want to be defined by others, declare who you are today by registering for a NAPSA membership!  (Uh huh, “registration” is free, but if you want the full “official” NAPSA membership with all rights and privileges pertaining thereto it will cost you a one-time $115 initiation fee and $60 dollars a year until you croak and someone can skin you.  All together now, yeesh!)

Step 2:  Visit your profile to complete the straightforward online forms to ensure the preservation of your registered tattoo and that your Final Wish Fulfillment Benefit is activated.  (Forms, forms, forms…everywhere there’s frigging forms…even for creepy stuff like this.)

Step 3:  Share your plans for the preservation of your tattoos with your friends, family, and loved ones – show off your Membership Certificate!  For those who you will entrust with your preserved art, download or order a Beneficiary Certificate.  (Yeah, please do share…the last thing you want is your mother receiving in the mail, without prior notice, your preserved skin with a big red heart tattoo emblazoned with MOM.  Okay, you know the drill…yeesh!)

Step 4:  Enjoy all of your NAPSA benefits and interacting with our groundbreaking community of like-minded tattoo collectors, enthusiasts, and artists.  Renew your annual NAPSA membership to ensure that your benefits remain active.  (Ooooo good.  You can communicate with other ghouls who want to be skinned after death.  You know, at this rate, how long before taxidermists jump into the game and offer to stuff the entire you. “Oh, don’t mind Uncle Hester over in the corner there.  He just doesn’t say much.  We simply spray a little Febreze on him and he’s fine.”)

Step 5:  Upon your passing, your Final Wish Beneficiary begins the quick and easy process to give NAPSA notice within 18 hours. (The clock’s a tickin’…better hurry before the funeral home cremates the dearly departed.  I think I’m beginning to feel dizzy.)

Step 6:  Soon after the claims process begins, your Beneficiary is electronically provided detailed information covering the recovery and preservation process.  (WHY WOULD I WANT TO KNOW THIS?) A preservation kit, containing instructions and all the necessary equipment to recover, temporarily preserve, and safely ship your tattoo to NAPSA, is mailed overnight to the recovery provider. In most case, your funeral home.  (And what the hell happens if the “recovery provider” refuses to recover?)

Step 7:  With the advice and support of the Association, your Beneficiary confirms that the recovery of your tattoo is undertaken in accordance with the instructions and with the equipment provided in our kit within 60 hours of your passing.  (Uh huh…before the flesh rots to a point beyond which it can be preserved I reckon.)

Step 8:  Upon NAPSA’s receipt of your art for preservation, the Final Wish Fulfillment Benefit will be mailed to your Final Wish Beneficiary.  (So, the Final Wish Fulfillment Benefit is a one-time payment of up to $2,000 to the person designated to receive your dead flesh.  I’m not sure someone could pay me enough to receive something like that.)

Step 9:  In the following three to six months, your designated beneficiary will receive your beautifully preserved art!  (Three to six months?  That’s quite a delta…guess it depends on the size of your tattoo?)

Okay, we aren’t done here.  I’m thinking the law is going to step in at some point.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think most (if not all) states have rules and stuff regarding possession of human remains. 

Also, consider this…what happens when there is a fracking-induced earthquake in the middle of the night and the frame containing Grandma’s tramp stamp falls off the wall and the glass breaks and your evil Chihuahua, Spike, mistakes it for a leather chew and consumes Granny’s ink (how’s that for a run-on sentence)?

And they wonder why I live on a heavily fortified compound and drink.

Just sayin’…