Alleged exploding butt devices...pick your apocalypse...atypical Thanksgiving...it's Saturday!11/24/2018
![]() Happy Saturday after Thanksgiving everyone! Hopefully you’ve gotten the relatives out of the house and are now counting the leftovers you’ve hoarded in the back of the fridge. Leftovers hoarding only counts if you can survive at least three days of whatever apocalypse may be headed your way (e.g., zombie, crazed caravans, missile-wielding NoKos, pee-pee tape wielding Russians…pick your poison). Me, I’m one up on the fruitcake count so far. I can last four weeks on one of those. More fruitcake is needed. Heed my call! Corsicana needs your cash! So, we got through Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday without anyone being stabbed, shot, or pummeled. Hell, the cops didn’t even show up this year. Go figure. Cousin Fred and Friend Lamont arrived after everyone else. There was muttering around the table that the Hairdressing Hydrologist Gigi wasn’t there. The empty seat became a 800-pound gorilla in the room. One of the family from OKC seemed particularly disappointed in Gigi’s absence. He had been looking forward to a spirited discussion of hydrologic modelling, especially as it relates to the interactions between biotic and abiotic processes and the ecohydrology of riparian zones. Damned interesting stuff that! But Gigi was a no-show. As I had mentioned in a previous post, I’ve not seen much of Gigi lately. I decided to press Cousin Fred on her whereabouts, but he didn’t seem interested in discussing it. That’s when The Wife, who had been chugging Old Crow whiskey and chain-smoking filterless Pall-Malls flicked her “roach” across the table where it bounced off my forehead, the sparks, ash, and remaining stub landing in my dressing. “You dolt! Are you really that stupid,” she asked (rhetorically, I’m sure)? “Haven’t you noticed that Trump’s (she always calls him Trump for some reason) hair is finally starting to look like hair? She’s probably down in Florida doing his do.” Cousin Fred hung his head down and began sobbing. Friend Lamont began shoveling food his mouth as though there would be no more, avoiding eye contact with everyone at the table. Well, that explained that, I guess. There were other questions I had but fearing another incoming cigarette butt from across the table (she had already lit another and burned it down) or an increase in Cousin Fred’s waterworks (the tablecloth was getting wet), I held my tongue. This morning it occurred to me that we’ve not heard much from Fearless Leader over the past couple of days. Once the one-way shots at the Chief Justice died out there really hasn’t been much going on. Oh, sure there was the report that he told the world that on Thanksgiving he was mostly thankful for himself…his astounding, remarkable, unprecedented, wholly distinguished leadership of this nation. I’m sure he’s very proud. Fret not, CCBers, Sunday is coming (tomorrow for those of you playing along at home), that day when Fearless Leader is best known for spewing forth with the nonsense from his Twitter account. In the meantime, there is still plenty of stupidity rolling past on my overnight newsfeed. Take for example, what maybe could have been a really shi**y situation down in New Orleans. It seems that a man named Arthur Posey (pictured and hereafter known as RingAround) walked into Willie’s Chicken Shack in NOLA and asked one of the dedicated employees what time the restaurant closed. Said employee responded that she didn’t know – NOW THAT’S a dedicated employee that isn’t watching the clock to see when she can return home! RingAround responded with, “Ya’ll about to close right now because I’m going to get a bomb and blow this place up!” According to RingAround’s statement to police, he was talking about the restroom and there was no threat. It’s not known by the po-po whether RingAround was making a general complaint about the food or the alleged service, or perhaps the alleged condition of the alleged restroom. Or if he had an actual bomb tucked up inside his tuckus. Dedicated employee of course said that he never mentioned anything about the restroom in his statement to her. Police arrested alleged RingAround for uttering a threat and dropped him off at the local mental hospital for evaluation. What have we learned here today?
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