Ahhhh, springtime in Oklahoma...WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!

Well, here we are…another stinkin’ Monday. Cousin Fred and I are on the way to join The Trump in Indianapolis. We really slacked off in terms of our commitment to MAD this weekend, but it was just as well…did you see the fights in California ahead of his speaking there? I’ve not witnessed that level of derision and rancor since King George II’s reelection run. It’s going to be a loooong haul to November.

Had an enjoyable day yesterday, celebrating The Mom’s birthday. Met at one of the Mexican places in Cosmic City. The Mom wanted a birthday Margarita, but of course this being Oklahoma that’s not possible on a Sunday. Keep in mind they’ll serve beer – and I believe wine - on a Sunday, but no mixed drinks. If you’re outside of this state and scratching your head in wonder…well, it’s a lot better than it was years ago.

Cousin Fred offered the flask in his pocket, but there was concern about an ABLE officer jumping from beneath the table and hauling us all to McAlester, so we let it go. It just amazes me that the morons on Lincoln Blvd in OKC think they know what’s best for all of us. Beating up on elderly women…that make you feel like a man, Jeff Hickman?

Reform of Oklahoma’s oddball alcohol laws may be coming next year. I certainly hope so, it’s just ridiculous. Sigh.

Speaking of the ridiculous and frankly the surreal ridiculous…over the weekend, I saw something that was just beyond belief.

There was a video/article on the KFOR TV news site entitled, “Counselor shares simple tricks to relieve stress caused by storms.”

Okay, no biggie, right? Seems like a reasonable thing. It wasn’t until I opened it to read that it became surreal.

So, the “counselor” is obviously a clinical psychologist. You know, the people who charge roughly $175 an hour to respond to your every statement with, “And, how do you feel about that?” That’s it. At the end of your hour, they scoot you out the door so they collect the $175 from the next “patient” through the door.

How do I know the counselor is a clinical psychologist…it was her advice. I’ll get to that in a second.

First of all, having sat through no less than three severe storm warm-up sessions over the past few weeks: one with a bunch of NWS people at the Woodward Conference Center; another with Mike Morgan KFOR weather personality, his own darned self, at Highland Park School; and, finally a session at the museum with Marty Logan Channel 9 storm chaser. In all of those talks, there was emphasis on staying glued to your TV during impending severe weather so you know when to take cover.

Stick with me here, people, this is going somewhere.

So, in the KFOR article about storm stress, the shrink praises Mike Morgan for his “calm, even tone” when storms are approaching. Huh? Let us not forget that Happy Hands Morgan was the one who directed people in OKC to evacuate because of an impending monster storm by driving south on I-35 in the middle of rush hour and wound up sending them directly into the path of a tornado. O’, how soon we forget.

And, maybe I’m blaming the wrong people. It’s really the storm chasers who seem to ratchet up the panic and sense of “we’re all gonna die!”

For instance, I was watching Ch 9 last week when a gustnado (rotating column of wind with less than 70mph winds) touched down near Sharon. The storm chaser freaked. Began screaming that a tornado had touched down in front of him and he was out of there!

Or later in the evening as the Ch 4 people were out rat racing around near Shawnee and weather hottie Emily Sutton was heard screaming to get Happy Hands’ attention so she could announce they had found hail.

So, happy shrink’s best advice for maintaining calm serenity in the face of impending doom by severe weather?

1. Allow yourself to mourn the losses you’ve suffered. Huh? What’s that have to do with freakin’ storms?
2. Talk about it. Double huh? Oh sure, spread the stress by screaming at your kids, “Happy Hands says we’re all going to die!”
3. Engage in healthy behaviors like eating nutritious foods, get plenty of rest and avoid alcohol. Thhhhhppppttt. In times of stress, I find a cocktail helps.  
4. Avoid major life decisions. WHAT? Triple huh? Yeah, okay, we won’t sign the mortgage papers until we make certain the house we’re going to buy is still there tomorrow following the storm.

Psychobabble psychobabble psychobabble.

And, while we’re on the subject, has anyone else noticed how disappointed the TV weather dudes sound when a tornado doesn’t actually appear as they’ve predicted will happen “any moment now…there’s the hook…we’re seeing rotation…oh, it’s gone.”

Now don’t get me wrong…there’s plenty to worry about when severe weather threatens in Oklahoma. I would suggest visiting readywoodward.com to download the one of the apps that will send alerts directly to your phone. Or get a NOAA weather radio that alerts you when stuff is happening.

I guess the point here is that constantly watching TV weather as the storms begin to draw near would raise anyone’s stress level.

My best advice for maintaining calm in the face of severe weather? Turn off the damned TV! Or, move it over to the channel that shows reruns of Night Court. “I’m feeling much better now!”

It’s gotten to the point where TV weather in OKC is so competitive that they even run over regular network programming - even when nothing is going on. So they reschedule Jeopardy! at 3AM…3AM who the hell is going to watch it then? OH, right…they’re counting on you still being in front of the TV watching Happy Hands finally admit nothing is likely to happen.
 

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