![]() Well, here we are on the precipice of yet another New Year. One more year with which to excel. One more year with which to break out (maybe that only counts if you’re a member of the William S. Key Country Club). One more year with which to make a fresh start (hell, I’ve made so many fresh starts over the years that I think I’m coming full circle to one of my old left behind years). Truth be told, I no longer make resolutions for the New Year. I’m less disappointed in myself that way. Instead, at the stroke of midnight, I shrug my shoulders and trudge on ahead. Much simpler that way. Cousin Fred tells me that he’s been working on the design of a new invention that he’s certain will make him rich. He told me confidently that he plans to share his idea with me on January 1st. I can hardly wait. Faithful readers may remember his last invention of the boonie hat that combines an insect deterrent with a bug zapper. It nearly killed me, I think. In the meantime, Cousin Fred had a truckload of lumber and roofing materials delivered to the Compound yesterday. Says he has plans to build an open sided shelter around and over Hellkat One’s trailer. As he pointed out, trailers left out in the elements don’t last very long. As I could easily have predicted, the Wife isn’t happy about the most recent turn of events. She has concerns that Cousin Fred will turn the Compound into, as she put it, an Arkansas hillbilly estate. I quickly moved through the house removing any matches or lighters for fear the pile of wood outside Hellkat One’s trailer would go up in smoke like so much kindling with the trailer on top of it. Friends, as you know, we here at CCB are always looking for trends. We’re trendy that way. In the past week, I believe we have, on more than one occasion, demonstrated that Walmart stores are hell on earth. I’ve even gone so far as to compare them to coin-op laundromats. This morning, we here at CCB continue that trend with a report I found on the PalmBeachPost.com web site. It seems that a young man of 20 entered a Walmart store in the wee hours of the morning. By the way, if you’ve never been in a Walmart store at 3AM, it’s definitely worth the trip. There are all sorts of freaks in there shopping at that hour. That’s not even mentioning the shenanigans of the over-night shift employees who have produce fights on the meat aisle or cereal fights over in the hardware section…you know, just mixing things up a bit. By the time most of us “regular” folks begin trudging in there at 6AM, everything has been cleaned up and the freaks have scurried back home to hide from the daylight. But, I digress… Our 20-year-old, I’m going to call him Leo Sayer. For those of you born after the 70’s, just Google the name and compare the pics with the mug shot above. You’ll get it. Leo Sayer enters a Delray Beach Walmart at around 3AM and promptly pulls a hoodie and sweat pants from a rack and puts them on over the clothes he’s wearing. Guess he felt like dancing! Hahahahahaha (sigh, okay that’s an obscure Leo Sayer reference…sheesh, do I have to explain everything to you people?) And, let’s stop here for a moment. Have any of you dedicated CCB readers noticed how much weirdness there seems to be coming out of Florida lately? What the heck is going on down there? Walmart weirdness can happen anywhere…seriously, spend some time in the Cosmic City Walmart, you’ll see what I mean. It’s just that I think this is the fourth story I’ve reported in a week that originated in Florida. But, back to the story at hand. So Leo Sayer after donning his new outfit heads for the manager’s office where he helps himself to the trash bag in the store manager’s trashcan and fills it with electronics and other stuff the manager had laying around. Hmmmmmm…now where was the manager? Probably home asleep. How else could the unsupervised night shift get away with cereal fights on the hardware aisle? Insert theme from Dragnet here. So now the police arrive and catch Leo Sayer red handed with the stolen merch. Of course, Leo Sayer plays stupid (look at the face in the mug shot, it wasn’t much of a stretch frankly) and announces he was in the manager’s office trying to find an application because he wanted to apply for a job as a mystery shopper. He told police, he thought it would, “…be a cool job.” Right you are, Leo Sayer, right you are! Hahahahaha…That’s the job I want! You’ve probably seen those emails tucked in with the other junk emails you receive offering penis enhancement and “love her long time this night, tiger” products. Do you suppose Walmart actually does hire mystery shoppers? I could have a field day with the Cosmic City Walmart if they turned me loose in there. The cops, not believing this story (imagine that) search Leo Sayer and find a 9mm handgun, a packet of heroin, and a Mentos gum box filled with someone’s Xanax pills. Me thinks Leo Sayer is in a heap of trouble now. Police charged him with grand theft, armed burglary, possession of a concealed firearm, possession of drugs, and being a general douchebag who is also an insult to mystery shoppers everywhere. Oh, when asked where he got the gun, he replied that he got it from, “…a tall, skinny black guy over at Dunkin’ Donuts.” Aha! Let’s see what we learned from this, shall we? 1. Dunkin’ Donuts in Delray Beach is the place to go for “cheap” handguns. Ask for Slim. 2. Walmart apparently hires mystery shoppers. Let’s all go to the Cosmic City store and apply. 3. Leo Sayer drinks from long, tall glasses…sigh, nobody gets my Leo Sayer jokes. 4. Stay the hell out of Florida. There’s something weird and depraved going on down there. Comments are closed.
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