A new Oklahoma industry...shipbuilding! Crank 'em out at $4 billion a ship the govt will pay!

Good morning everybody! Welcome to the Tuesday edition of CCB coming to you live from the far reaches of a Walmart parking lot in Frisco, Colorado.

Today will mark our second full day in Colorado where we’re working to be ready when the production crew arrives and begin filming episodes for our new reality show, The Bigfoot: Naked and Untamed.

I think today, we’ll split our forces. Cousin Fred and Friend Lamont will be working this area trying to find locals willing to take their clothes off and hike up and down the mountains and through the forests around here in search of The Bigfoot.

Me? I’m headed into Montezuma (the meanest town in America) to negotiate parking space on private land. I know, you’re thinking…now why on Earth would that be a priority? Surely, they can find parking in Montezuma.

Eh, not so fast Pilgrim. They don’t allow anyone but city residents to park on the mean streets of Montezuma. We’ll have the entire production crew here for a few weeks. There’s also our rig which includes Friend Lamont’s big-ass RV with Hellkat One’s trailer in tow. I didn’t expect to be welcome in the Walmart parking lot forever, but now, after yesterday, it looks as though we’ll be having to move along even more quickly than I anticipated.

Cousin Fred yesterday gets the bright idea that he could get the reality show “stars” to come to him. That sort of philosophy has its own charm I suppose especially if you prefer to spend your days…everyday…conducting happy “hour”.

From Hellkat One’s trailer he produced an A-frame sign that he put in front of the door of the RV. It was very bright and colorful and told people exactly what it was that we were looking for. It read:
Hollywood Comes to Frisco! Now Auditioning Parts for a TV Reality Show. Need 10 Women and 6 Men. Must be Willing to get Naked and Chase The Bigfoot! Interested? Inquire Within!

If you’re thinking that seems pretty reasonable, you’re wrong. Oh, so wrong.
Have you ever seen the folks who hang out at the far edge of the Walmart parking lot? Seriously? You’ve never seen the Powerpoint slide shows that go around the internet, “People of Walmart” or ”More People of Walmart” or ”Walmart is a Freakin’ Freak Parade” or, my personal favorite, “Holidays at Walmart are Decadent and Depraved”?

It isn’t pretty people!

And, we soon discovered that everyone thinks they’re a reality show star! Imagine!

I had nearly convinced Cousin Fred to put the sign away, when the store manager paid a visit and announced he was calling the police. Cousin Fred gave him $50 and immediately stowed the sign. That seemed to pacify the store manager, though he told us we need to switch sides of the far end of the parking lot daily. Walmart policy apparently doesn’t allow RVs to sit more than 24 hours in one place.

Today, Cousin Fred and Friend Lamont will head to a nearby community college where they plan to set up a table on the campus commons and put the sign back out. What can go wrong?

According to Cousin Fred there’s a weird Colorado law about bringing live goats onto college campuses, so I guess I’m stuck with Lassie the barking goat. Eh, that’s okay. I rented a small SUV yesterday to make the trip to Montezuma, at least he’ll be comfortable.

I figure I’ll start with The Bowie Knife Guy that Cousin Fred and I encountered last November. He looked like a guy with more land than he knows what to do with. I’ll stop at a sporting goods store and buy a new knife to present to him as a token of my esteem before asking if he’ll let us use some of his land. Again, what could go wrong?

And, speaking of things going terribly wrong (again with the crappy segues) did you hear the one about the $4.4 billion ship that took the Navy 20 years to develop and build…and now, it’s essentially obsolete?

Not to mention, the thing is butt-ugly. The planes on the ship are at weird angles which supposedly makes it harder for radar to detect. Uh huh. When I left the Navy nearly 20 years ago, they were pushing this beast (in the early development stages) as “a stealth ship.”

Honestly, the thing looks like a giant WWII German U-boat that can’t submerge. Critics have concerns that the hull shape leaves it vulnerable to rollover under certain conditions.

Surface radars have improved, calling into question just how stealthy it really is. AND, given that we’ve waged war in deserts for the past 15 years, do we really need multiples of a $4.4 billion ship?

It’s only redeeming value is that it will be named for a great Naval officer, Elmo Zumwalt. That’s the kindest thing I can say about it.

But, as I said, I’ve been out of Uncle Sam’s Kite and Canoe Club for a long time, so I guess I shouldn’t be making statements about stuff.

Besides, I have to find a leash for Lassie.

Later.
 

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