Not that anyone ever listens to me, but…
In my years of living, the one single immutable truth of the Universe that I’ve learned is that the more things change, the more they stay the same. Here’s an example…a few years ago I read a very lengthy biography of George Washington by Ron Chernow. It’s a great book and a great read…highly recommend it. I learned things about General George that were, to that point, unknown to me. For instance, after George Washington became president, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison (I think it was those two) hired a scholar from Boston to move to Philadelphia and set up shop as a publisher. His sole purpose in life was to publish a newspaper that was highly critical of George Washington. Day in and day out, this person published his paper with stories bordering on outright fabrications, innuendo, and seething criticism of every single thing Washington did. Over time, it caused George Washington to begin to second guess any decision he made and become nearly obsessed with what people thought of him. And, you thought Fox News and/or MSNBC is something new? As the song goes, “it’s all been done.” So here we find ourselves in the midst of another presidential election cycle with a virtual herd of candidates on the Republican side and a smaller pack of maybes and wannabes on the Democrat side. I make it a point to avoid discussing politics in these daily missives mostly because this country has become so divisive in terms of political beliefs that I would just be another murmur in a cacophony of noise. We need to get past whether something is on the right or the left…but then again, it’s always been like that. I try not to align myself with one side or the other, I try to find some hint of intelligence and a few reasonably expressed ideas that may have a chance of finding their way to solutions. But, that’s a rare thing. Years ago…many, many years ago, I recall my father commenting that no one actually qualified for the job of president wants it. Why would they? Ah, so there you have another example of the more things change, the more they stay the same. Two days ago, Donald Trump announced he’s running for president. He made a rather fluffy speech with a lot of stuff that people want to hear, but no real substance or solutions. Is his heart really in it? Who knows? There’s been a lot of chatter since then that this is simply a publicity stunt for him, etc. Maybe. I thought it was interesting that he felt compelled to inform us of his net worth. Good for him. I don’t have that kind of money and will likely never see anything near that amount. Do I care how much he has? Not really. I do recall thinking that if he has that kind of money why doesn’t he do something about whatever that is on his head? Frankly, it looks like a wet string mop hanging over the top of a squinty-eyed fence post. Just one man’s opinion. But I digress… What we’re really here to discuss today is not politics…oh no. Today, we’re here to discuss something we can all get behind despising (unless of course you’re some whack-job arachnologist). Namely, spiders. So, the Woodward News in their Farm & Ranch section on Wednesday ran a piece that was fed from OSU’s Department of Etymology & Plant Pathology (whose motto translated from the Greek is, “Sure We’re Bug Nerds, But We’re Really Fun Bug Nerds”). The lengthy article entitled, “Spider Identification 101”, was a primer aimed at insect killers (me among them) on separating the spiders that can kill you from those that you leave alone because they’re our friends. Uh huh. Personally, my policy regarding spiders is the same as my policy regarding snakes, which is the only good snake is a dead snake. The article goes into great detail about markings on spiders and how to tell if it’s really a venomous spider or merely a harmless spider that looks like a venomous spider. Judas priest…like I’m going to get close enough to check? For instance, there was a paragraph describing the much maligned and misunderstood cellar spider which resembles the brown recluse (aka, the fiddleback). Now the brown recluse is bad, but its near twin the cellar spider is good. The best way to tell them apart (I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP) is that the cellar spiders like to reside near the ceiling of a home while the brown recluse prefers to be nearer the floor. WHO CARES?! Die spiders, die! Still, I’m sure some grad student got extra points for putting that article together and getting the Woodward News (whose motto translated from the Latin is, “We’ll Tell You What You Need to Know”) to publish it. If you’re like me (and I do pray you aren’t) and are quick with the shoe or rolled up magazine when it comes to bugs, I have a few safety tips that you may wish to apply when dealing with household pests…particularly spiders. I was able to find two articles, both are from last summer (coincidence?…I think not) about the use of fire in ridding your home of spiders. Believe me, you’re better off living with the spiders. The first article comes to us from the Newser web site about a dude in Seattle, Washington (whose state motto was recently changed to “Toke, Toke, Toke It Up!) who tried to kill a spider in his laundry room using a can of spray paint and a lighter. Hahaha…insert your own joke about legalized marijuana here. Yeah, that didn’t work out so well for Spiderman. He wound up with $60,000 in damage to his home (it was a rental…bet the landlord was thrilled). The second is also from the Newser site (Ha! I may have a new favorite!) about a woman in Kansas (it’s cheaper there, you know) who used her cigarette lighter to set fire to a pile of towels in an effort to kill a spider. Once the fire was out, she was arrested for arson and arachnoid cruelty (okay, just kidding about the cruelty charge…she was only arrested for arson). So my best advice to all of you reading this (all two of you now…even the guy sending me the threatening emails has given up) is to deal with your spiders the old fashioned way…the sole of your shoe or a rolled up copy of the Woodward News…I knew that fish wrap would come in handy for something. Comments are closed.
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