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Let’s see here…checking the calendar...ah, yes, it’s Thursday. Time for yet another escape/walk-off/play from the 19th hole of the William S. Keyless (new official CCB name for the place, thanks to the wife) Country Club in Ft. Supply.
Gadzooks! And what is this? According to Woodward News (whose motto translated from the Latin is “Yes, we know where our print edition is printed, but we’re not going to tell you!” – it’s a conspiracy I’m tellin’ you!) the SECOND inmate/prisoner/country club member in a week has done run off…yesterday…a day ahead of schedule! Grab your flashlights and raincoats citizens, we have an escapee/runner/bad attitude golfer out among us. Here is an official CCB BOLO (that’s law-speak for be-on-look-out – hey, I watch NCIS same as everybody): Hint, if you’re standing in the line-from-hell at Walmart – you know the one, where the cash register keeps breaking down and the line, like a conga snake line, keeps moving to the next register all while the cashier insists on hearing about ALL of her friend Gertrude’s eleven grandchildren and thirty-two great grandchildren (Gertrude’s family is mighty fertile) – and there’s a guy in an orange jumpsuit with DOC stenciled on his back standing in front of you he is NOT: 1) a lineman for OG&E and the DOC does not stand for Destruction of Cottonwoods (inside joke – sort of); 2) the team doctor for OSU’s football team (slightly different shade of orange); 3) a hunter eagerly anticipating the start of quail season and the DOC does not stand for Death on Colinus (look it up). Oh wait, I need to be better about my journalistic practices. After all, CCB has become the sole news source for one or two of you. Let’s see here… Okay, so yesterday afternoon, the second ALLEGED inmate/prisoner/country club member in a week walked away from the ALLEGED William S. Keyless prison/correctional facility/country club…eh, you get the idea. So, WHAT THE HELL? By my count and fortunately it doesn’t involve more fingers than I possess on two hands…yesterday was number six this year. I heard someone throw out the figure of an average of seven escapes per year. Any bets on number seven? Maybe the state should provide Official State of Oklahoma Walk-off Kits to all of the Country Club members. It could contain a rain poncho (yesterday’s hiker likely got wet last night), a AAA map of Scenic Oklahoma By-ways and Highways with an official palace-approved photo of Her Royal Highness Mary of Fallin up in the corner, a flashlight for when it gets dark at night (‘cuz it tends to do that around here), and a compass that has the words KANSAS set where north would be; TEXAS where south would be; PANHANDLE=DESOLATION where west would be; and, FUHGETABOUTIT where east would be (long walk out of Oklahoma that direction). Oh, and maybe a handy dandy Pioneer cell phone that only dials the WW County Sheriff’s Office when alleged runner tries to head east (we told you not to do that) and decides he is better off back at the Country Club. We at CCB take this very seriously, which is why we never fail to make fun of the William S. Keyless Country Club whenever we can (it’s such an easy target). Consequently, after the announcement that the second club member in a week had walked off the 19th hole, I convened an emergency round table (okay, it’s square, but to say it was a round table discussion sounds more official) to look at what it is that’s making members leave. Here are a few thoughts… Number one: The food sucks. Yeah probably. But peanut butter and bologna sandwiches three times a day still beats grasshoppers and milkweed leaves on the run. Number two: William S. Keyless is dangerously overcrowded. No doubt. CCB’s independent research (thanks to the Oklahoma DOC web site) indicates there are 1,099 resident member – okay, make that 1,098 as of yesterday afternoon. Granted, I’ve never been inside the Country Club, but from eyeballing the outside that seems an extraordinary number. Number three: The sole television in the place only gets one channel – KFOR. Three-plus hours of Mike Morgan is enough to drive anyone off the property. Hey! Maybe Metro Mike should get a special segment every evening where he forecasts the likelihood of an alleged escape/walk-off/whatever from William S. Keyless Country Club. He could even have a web cam shot of the exterior where we law-abiders (silly us) could watch as the alleged prisoners/inmates/members walk away. Fixing the problem. Let’s start with a fence. Preferably, electrified with razor wire across the top. Oh, right, can’t do that because then it becomes a medium security facility which means the state would have to pony up more $$$ which it doesn’t have because it’s too busy arguing court cases in court (best place to have those) about what monuments should be put up on the State Capitol grounds. Morons! Hey, maybe we should tap the Attorney General’s cash rich Evidence Fund (whatever the hell that is) to pay for a fence. Seriously, sooner or later someone, is going to be hurt or killed by one of these people escaping. Most likely it will be a runner trying to steal someone’s vehicle to make his getaway. At which point, HRH will point fingers at the legislature, who will in turn convene a grand jury (at additional tax payer expense) to get to the bottom of things. The bottom of things is that the legislature in this state is made up of underemployed do-nothings who have a pretty good life. Fix this...now! Comments are closed.
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